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Anything other than a large chunk of amethyst hanging from your neck is basically a scam and a waste of time.
Yoga
Kinda hurts.
Aura Transplant
On second thought, maybe a new liver would’ve been more useful than the color turquoise.
Bloodletting
This barbaric and counterproductive procedure should never be practiced unless the medical community decides it’s good again.
Eating A Burger With All The Fixin’s
This extremely popular alternative to getting your cholesterol tested is actually not super great for your health.
Hydrotherapy
On top of bleeding out from a gunshot wound, you’re now also wet.
Generic-Brand Acetaminophen
Those of us here at Tylenol must hasten to remind you that you’re basically taking your life into your own hands if you reject the brand-name Tylenol for its inferior and potentially lethal alternative.
Sap Chugging
Eh. Could work? Depends on the sap.
Being Unable To Afford Consistent Or Quality Medical Care
You really shouldn’t have gone down that road.
Anything With ‘Lavender’ In The Name
We’re trying to help people here, not dither around with precious little scent stunts. Fuck off.
Ayahuasca Ceremony
No human being needs to attain such a crippling level of insight into the deep recesses of their subconscious.
Going To The Bar
This tried-and-true method of healing wears off after a few hours and is not recommended long-term.
A Futile Quest For The Fountain Of Youth
Countless lives and years were lost on your doomed expedition when you could’ve just tried cutting down on salt.
Spine Xylophone
The calypso beat may be soothing at first, but don’t be surprised if you leave with vertebrae that are totally out of tune.
Herbal Twin Separation
Surgery can be risky, but you were never going to detach your conjoined twins by rubbing some clove on their heads.
Eye Candling
There are much better ways to remove eye gunk than sticking a 10-inch wax candle into your socket.
Getting A Heart Transplanted Into The Kidney
If you need a kidney transplant, you can’t just substitute a heart, even though the heart seems like a smart alternative.
Barbecue Sauce Transfusion
We know you’re squeamish around blood, but barbecue sauce just isn’t as effective at providing oxygen to your muscles and organs.
Exorcism
You put yourself through a lengthy and exhausting ritual just to rid yourself of a demon that usually responds well to acetaminophen.
Açai Bowl
Definitely not worth $12.
Acupretzel
The process of sticking yourself with Rold Gold rods at various “hunger points” throughout your body can, in fact, lead to hypertension and dehydration.
Car Massage
This is just somebody charging you $2,000 to run you over with their sedan. Do not fall for it.
