Bronze Age Man Would Have Worn Nicer Pelts If He’d Known Scientists Would Find His Preserved Body In Bog

DARTMOOR, ENGLAND—Caught off guard in one of his ratty old goatskin tunics, Bronze Age tribesman Lugu claimed Thursday that he would have dressed in much nicer pelts had he known that scientists would find his preserved body in a bog 4,000 years after selecting the outfit. “Shit, I would have put on a beaten-reed underfrock and one of my nice ceremonial bear’s fur capes if I had any idea that archaeologists in 2021 would exhume my body after its natural mummification in peat,” said the hunter-gatherer, admitting that he would have appreciated enough of a heads-up to let him run home to his wattle-and-daub hut for a clean shearling cap and buckskin leggings. “God, it’s just my luck that the one time I go out wearing a shabby old number with holes in it, I fall into a mire and get encased for centuries in an anaerobic environment. Now people will think my beat-up wicker shoes are what I wore on special occasions.” At press time, Lugu was reportedly objecting to being listed in scholarly journals as “the Dartmoor Goatskin Bog Hobo.”