BREAKING: Onion Lotto Jackpot Up To 9 Bucks

CHICAGO—Boasting the largest payout in the history of the game, officials announced Thursday that the Onion Lotto Jackpot was now up to nine bucks. “Play the Onion Lottery now for your chance to win the grand prize of nine whole dollars—and counting,” the statement read in part, adding that it was not too late to buy a ticket for tonight’s Onion Mega Jackpot Pick-3 Power Number drawing, which stands to pay out a truly lunch-changing amount of money to one lucky winner. “Play now to win big! Pick any three numbers or letters and an Onion Lotto representative will contact you if you have won. Terms and conditions apply. Winners may choose to receive the payout in one lump sum or one dime a year for 90 years. Winnings are taxable at 400% of the payout amount, payable directly to The Onion. Should no winners be selected, the grand prize will continue to grow until it reaches the maximum payout of 11 bucks, at which point a winner will be selected at random from TheOnion.com’s visitor logs. Good luck!” At press time, reports confirmed one lucky winner from Illinois had hit the Onion Bonus Ball for a free entry into the Onion Lotto Summer Sweepstakes and a chance to win $32.50 in cash and prizes.