BP Launches Environmental Campaign Pledging To Clean Up Oil Polluting Earth’s Interior

LONDON—In a press conference announcing their intention to become part of the solution, petroleum giant BP launched an environmental campaign Tuesday pledging to clean up the oil polluting the earth’s interior. “We’ve heard environmentalists calls for action, and we’re committed to take any means necessary to help ensure these massive deposits of petroleum no longer contaminate the earth’s pristine sediment,” said BP president Bernard Looney, describing how the environmental initiative would build thousands of cleanup devices able to extract the roughly 35 billion barrels of oil before they further damaged the planet’s interior. “Someone needs to take a stand to remove this toxic contaminant from the earth’s crust—and if that has to be BP, then so be it. We won’t stop until every ounce of this poisonous substance is safely stored away at our London headquarters.” BP also pledged to help protect millions of indigenous peoples worldwide from the scourge of oil by extracting it from directly below their land at no charge.