CINCINNATI–In what is being touted as the most technologically advanced spill-containment system ever, Bounty officials unveiled its breakthrough three-ply paper towel Monday.
Long regarded as an impossibility by the world’s top paper-towel engineers, the revolutionary three-ply towel features a patented triple-weave moisture blotter that exponentially increases strength and absorbency without sacrificing softness.
Bounty officials called the new towel “the quickest picker-upper in human history.”
“By breaking the three-ply barrier, Bounty has achieved a level of spill-absorption power competing paper-towel manufacturers can only dream of,” Bounty vice-president of product development Randolph Stenzel said. “This is a very exciting time to be at Bounty.”
Developed at a reported cost of $2 billion, the new towel is the first to feature the Oblitersorb™ moisture-punishing system. The advanced system, located deep within the core of the third ply, uses special anti-wetness agents to trap moisture inside walled micro-chambers. Once trapped, the moisture is violently pummeled into submission by a contracting textile-weave lattice-grid and then converted to simple molecular form and rereleased into the home’s atmosphere as inert gases. Strategically placed vent points in the paper towel’s quilted surface aid in the dispersal of the harmless vapors.
“The hydrotropic power of Bounty has increased exponentially with the addition of the third ply,” said Dr. Gene Dubrow, executive director of the Bounty Spill Control Institute. “We’re not talking just 33 percent more spill-fighting action–Bounty’s quicker-picker-upper capacities have actually been cubed.”
Continued Dubrow: “Consider this: If a roll of three-ply Bounty is placed on a countertop, any spill within a 10-foot radius will actually travel to the roll.”
Despite his enthusiasm for the new three-ply towel, Dubrow stressed that users of the product should exercise caution and carefully read the warnings on the label before use.
“Naturally, any paper towel this rapaciously absorbent must be used properly in order to ensure safety,” Dubrow said. “For instance, the product should never be left unattended. If left out for more than an hour, a roll may absorb a home’s entire supply of moisture, creating an uninhabitable humidity-free environment. Users simply need to make sure to return the roll to its special shrink-wrap product-suppression containment sleeve immediately after use.”
Dubrow went on to note the extreme importance of wearing protective rubber gloves and eyewear at all times when handling three-ply Bounty. He also warned consumers to keep the product away from small pets, children and the elderly.
Alarmed by the new paper towel’s potentially dangerous, unchecked absorbency, leading consumer-safety advocates say it should be banned.
“In laboratory tests, mice exposed to open rolls of three-ply Bounty died within minutes, their bodies reduced to withered, dessicated husks,” said Janice Messerschmidt of Safety First!, a San Francisco-based consumer-advocacy group. “Is this the sort of irresponsible drying power we want in our kitchens?”
Despite the controversy, the new product, which is drawing interest from the military for its potential use as a weapon, is being hailed as the greatest advance in the field of spill-wiping in decades. But Procter & Gamble, manufacturer of Bounty, is not resting on its laurels. Products currently in the works include a dandruff-detonating Head & Shoulders, a Scope mouthwash that brutally beats and tortures the germs that cause bad breath, and a “universal solvent” Cheer laundry detergent that is capable of dissolving all known matter.
Though the new three-ply paper towel has revolutionized wiping, Bounty scientists strongly rebuffed the notion of developing a fourth ply at a later date. “That would be playing God,” product developer Dr. Ernest Schumann said. “There are some doors science was not meant to open.”
