Bored Baby Wishes It Had Something To Choke On

BELLEVUE, WA—Complaining that he had been stuck in his playroom all morning with nothing small to grab, bored infant Oliver Roland confirmed Monday that he wished he had something to choke on. “God, I would kill for a penny right now,” said Roland, who had attempted to choke himself on his own fist three or four times before abandoning the fruitless attempt with great frustration. “Not a paper clip, marble, or Lifesaver in sight. It’s snooze city in here. I could try chewing on this end table, but I can already tell it’s just too big. And there’s a piece of lint there, but that’s obviously not going to block my windpipe. Damn, this sucks. There’s got to be a broken crayon in here somewhere.” At press time, Roland had reportedly settled on rolling over and suffocating on the carpet.