Birthday Post Way Too Sentimental For Friend To Not Be Dead

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Expressing confusion at the earnestness of the deeply emotional caption, sources reported Wednesday that an Instagram post commemorating the birthday of a user’s friend was way too sentimental for the friend not to be dead. “This is a long, long paragraph, and there isn’t a hint of sarcasm or even a lighthearted joke—yeah, there’s no way this person’s still alive,” said local Instagram user Alex O’Shaughnessy, who noted that the user’s post only contained old pictures of the friend from high school and college, suggesting that it might not have been possible to take any after that time. “There’s also nothing in there about a birthday party or going out to celebrate. It says, ‘I always think about you this time of year,’ and describes the friend as ‘a special light in this world’—which I suppose could go either way, but those definitely sound more like things you say about someone posthumously. Yeah, they’ve gotta be dead.” Later, upon discovering the post ended with a GoFundMe link to help pay for desperately needed cancer treatment, sources confirmed the friend wasn’t actually dead yet.