With global warming, deadly pandemics, and political instability threatening to destroy society as we know it, more and more billionaires are preparing for a doomsday scenario. The Onion asked some of the most powerful people in the world how they will survive the apocalypse, and this is what they said.
Bill Gates
“Nuclear weapons, flesh-eating viruses, and even a few literal demons from hell—you name it, I have it and will be ready to use it to start the apocalypse.”
Mark Cuban
“I’ve invested $200,000 for 10% equity in an iodine dispensary startup called Radiation Bros.”
Jack Ma
“My private security force kidnapped Bear Grylls, who will be forced to do the survival work once it all goes down.”
Mark Zuckerberg
“Hanging in my cool Meta chat room! It’s awesome! You’ve got to come check it out before it gets too crowded!”
Vladimir Putin
“I’ve created a community of 800 people outside of Yakutsk who believe the apocalypse has already happened, so if the time comes when I need to join them, they should have their affairs in order.”
Bill Gates
“I’m backing up my Microsoft Word docs to an external hard drive.”
Steve Ballmer
“I learned how to use a knife the other day.”
Sam Bankman-Fried
“I will have no resources for anyone to loot after I put all my assets into this shitty-looking virtual cocktail lounge.”
Charles Koch
“I pay people to worry about minutiae like that.”
George Lucas
“With humanity on the brink of extinction, I bet I could buy Lucasfilm back from Disney pretty cheap.”
Michael Bloomberg
“Perhaps the collapse of civilization might convince voters to give me a second chance as president.”
Jeffrey Epstein
“Stocking up on children just in case.”
Oprah Winfrey
“I’ll be launching the missile that sets it in motion.”
Jeff Bezos
“Speeding it up.”
Sundar Pichai
“I’m paying a team of programmers to figure out how to give the apocalypse ad breaks.”
Larry Page
“I’m making sure I say ‘I love you’ every day to each and every dollar I have.”
Jim Walton
“I get 10% off at Walmart, so I’ve been stocking up.”
George Joseph
“I intend to get ahead of the apocalypse by dying of natural causes very soon.”
Peter Thiel
“I’m not sure. I’ll just be grateful for any small part I might have played in it.”
