Following a number of critical races that will determine the future of the country, The Onion examines the biggest winners and losers from the midterm elections.
Winner: The Rapists, Murderers, And Drug Addicts Destroying American Cities
Rapists, murderers, and drug addicts were seen dancing and shooting up illegal substances outside state capitol buildings in New York and California to celebrate their huge political gains at the state level.
Loser: Chuck Grassley
Even though he beat Democratic challenger Michael Franken, 89-year-old Grassley has all but sealed his tragic fate of dying in office.
Winner: People With An Unhealthy Fascination With Latino Voters
People who spent the past few months debating the political leanings of Latino voters got a huge win, giving them the green light to continue being weird about the demographic’s political leanings well into 2024.
Loser: The Invisible Man Herschel Walker Refers To As ‘Coach’
After the race between Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock officially went to a runoff, Walker was reportedly seen cursing out and then apologizing to an invisible man known only as “coach.”
Winner: Gavin Newsom’s Unnervingly Wet Hair
The man who makes Gavin Newsom’s hair wet each morning is about to get a bonus, and will only see his stock continue to rise when the California governor inevitably announces his 2024 presidential run.
Loser: Barack Obama
Obama’s willingness to hit the road and stump for vulnerable Democratic candidates sadly showed just how fraught his current career as a podcaster really is.
Winner: Anyone Who Had Gumbo For Dinner
Right, left, or center, if you had a steamy hot bowl of gumbo for supper Tuesday night, you came out on top.
Loser: Stacey Abrams
In a final twist of the knife after a tough gubernatorial race, book sales for Brian Kemp’s erotic novels outsold Stacey Abram’s by 7 points.
Winner: The Fuckin’ System, Man
After running to the polls to “vote” and feel like they have power, all the little sheep went home to watch their little streaming shows, eat their fast food, and consume all manner of societal opiates, keeping the flock passive and ripe for slaughter.
Loser: Josh Hawley
Wasn’t up for reelection, but just look at the guy.
Winner: Women Who Died Because Of A Lack Of Abortion Access
If they hadn’t been denied the critical healthcare that would have saved their young lives, these women would definitely be proud that three states enshrined the right to an abortion in their constitutions.
Loser: Supporters’ Parasocial Relationship With Mark Kelly
Why did he suddenly stop texting? Calling? He spent all that time writing you emails and taking your money, and then suddenly he disappears?
Winner: Donald Trump
With a bunch of his endorsed candidates losing their races, Trump was able to spend a glorious night doing his favorite thing: bitching and moaning to a bunch of sycophants.
Loser: Mom
She simply can’t understand how such a smart, handsome, articulate candidate like Beto could lose.
Winner: Confetti Fetishists
Mmm, oh yeah. Look at those babies flutter.
Loser: Raphael Warnock
Jesus Christ, man. A runoff against Herschel Walker?
Winner: Marjorie Taylor Greene
The newly divorced Greene was reportedly pleased to learn that the midterms would bring several new eligible right-wing bachelors to Congress.
Loser: J.D. Vance
A Senate win condemns this coastal elite to six years of interacting with the disgusting residents of Appalachia.
Winner: Interactive Maps
Look, you can click on Colorado, and Wyoming, and even Iowa too!
Loser: Ron Johnson
Ran on appealing to the most racist beliefs of American bigots and still only won his state by a percentage point.
Winner: Girth
With both John Fetterman and J.B. Pritzker making decisive wins for Democrats, it’s been a huge year for girth in America.
Loser: Christianity
Kentucky, Michigan, and Vermont were just a few of the places where God’s message was shot down.
Winner: $16.7 Billion
The money spent on the 2022 midterms successfully elected a U.S. Congress and thousands of candidates to state offices.
Loser: America
The 246-year losing streak continues.
