Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades

SAGINAW, MI—Gesturing grandly toward the dust-covered assembly line as he declared that nothing, absolutely nothing, could stop the nation from crumbling, President Joe Biden touted the resiliency of American decline Tuesday while touring a factory that had been closed for decades. “As I stand here in this shuttered auto factory where 2,000 workers lost their jobs in the mid-’90s so General Motors could save money by outsourcing their positions overseas, I am reminded that no matter what happens, the United States will always foster the conditions for its own demise,” the president said during the 90-minute tour of the crumbling, derelict factory, adding that the shuttered plant was a perfect example of the kind of local political and economic crises that were destroying the nation one community at a time. “This abandoned factory is a perfect symbol for a nation that will stop at nothing to drive itself into ruin. For years after this factory was closed down, the community tried to restore its operation and bring back jobs, but every time, a strong, unshakable coalition of business interests and politicians banded together and refused to let it happen. America’s commitment to its diminishing power is truly something to behold, and at the end of the day, I hope that we as Americans can stand tall and be proud of our entropy.” Before departing the facility, Biden reportedly addressed the corpse of a heroin addict who had taken up residence in the factory and overdosed on the floor, calling the dead man a shining example of the nation’s beautiful spiral into chaos and suffering.