Biden Now Just Delivering Continuous, Up-To-The-Minute Speech Mourning Shooting Victims

WASHINGTON—With eyes bloodshot and suit disheveled as he entered his 16th hour at the podium, President Joe Biden is now just delivering a continuous, up-to-the-minute speech mourning victims of mass shootings across the United States, sources reported Friday. “At this hour, we gather to mourn the carnage in—actually, I’m getting word there have been two more shootings,” said Biden, who since the previous evening had been attempting to end his remarks and leave the stage, but in each case had been ushered back to the microphones when aides informed him of additional shootings that had just taken place. “I’ll fall behind and never catch up if I try to name everyone shot and killed, so I’ll start with a blanket condolences to all the Jims, Elizabeths, Pauls, and Lauras who have been gunned down mercilessly and before their time. Even one gun death is unconscionable, but 15? No wait, 17. You’re telling me the death toll is 21 now, really? Jesus Christ.” At press time, the news conference had finally ended due to the threat of an active shooter in the audience.