Biden Crumbles To Dust During State Of Union

WASHINGTON—Deteriorating before the eyes of a nation until he was nothing more than fine particles of sediment on the floor next to the podium, President Joe Biden appeared to crumble to dust Thursday night during his State of the Union address. “My fellow Amer—” the president said in what would be his final address to a joint session of Congress, his body beginning to lose all corporeal integrity as cracks formed in his face and spread downward through his neck and torso, the scraps of dry skin and bones deteriorating into smaller and smaller pieces of decayed matter until there was nothing left of him but the mere dust from whence he sprung. “What the heck? I… Well, shit.” At press time, a draft from the Capitol’s ventilation system had reportedly blown a significant portion of Biden remains into the faces of Vice President Kamala Harris and House Speaker Mike Johnson.