Biden Addresses Ukrainian Crisis With Speech About Perfect Malted Milkshake He Once Drank In 1957

WASHINGTON—Projecting strength and solemnity as he delivered his prepared remarks, President Joe Biden addressed the crisis in Ukraine Friday with a speech about a perfect malted milkshake he once drank in 1957. “It was in a tall glass cup with a long spoon—long spoons, you don’t see those anymore,” said Biden, who paused for emphasis as he squinted into the camera, instilling a deep feeling of comfort and confidence in millions of viewers who watched the speech across the globe. “It was brought out to me on a silver platter by a gorgeous waitress wearing roller skates. She was African American. I turned to her and said, ‘Honey, how about you grab a second straw and join me once you get off your shift.’ Scorching day. That thick and creamy shake hit the spot. It cost a nickel, but boy oh boy, did it taste like a dollar!” At press time, Russian forces across the region had laid down their arms to watch the video on their phones.