Beyoncé will release her seventh album, Renaissance, on July 29. The Onion looks back at the major milestones in the career of one of the world’s most celebrated artists.
1981: Born helpless and frightened like all of us.
1993: Her group Girl’s Tyme loses Star Search, sparking her lifelong blood feud with Ed McMahon.
2001: Enrolls in second-wave feminism and marketing courses at local community college.
2002: Featured by Jay-Z in “03 Bonnie And Clyde,” which contains parallels hinting that the two have begun a string of violent bank robberies.
2006: Displays acting chops in Dreamgirls in a challenging role as Beyoncé but in the ’60s.
2008: Jay-Z and Beyoncé’s wedding vows include emotional passage stipulating financial details of future contractual collaborative albums.
2008: Debuts new alter ego, Sasha Fierce, officially retiring her previous alter ego, Mean Jean the Music Machine.
2009: Her people have forced The Onion to sign an airtight NDA to never share any details of what she did during this year.
2013: Barack Obama takes presidential oath of office as opening act for her performance of “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
2016: Releases multimedia experience Lemonade consisting of an album, a film, and an immersive nightmare seeded in people’s dreams through an ambitious public water poisoning campaign.
2022: Announces she’s stepping away from her longtime husband and children to pursue a new life as a solo family.
