Beto O’Rourke Asks Advisors If Getting Paralyzed By Tree Would Help 2026 Election Chances

AUSTIN, TX—Reeling in the wake of a difficult loss in the Texas gubernatorial race, Democratic candidate Beto O’Rourke reportedly asked his advisors Wednesday if getting paralyzed by a tree might help his 2026 election chances. “Look, we’ve got to be honest with ourselves and admit something is holding me back as a candidate, and if that’s my ability to walk, then, sure, I’d stand in the path of a falling oak tree,” O’Rourke said during an impromptu huddle with his closest aides in which he asked how much polling had been done on the hypothetical scenario of a freak accident leaving him tragically confined to a wheelchair before the next governor’s election. “Let’s imagine I get a four- or five-point bump with Hispanics after they see a photo of me in a wheelchair. If we’re talking about turning Texas blue, then who the hell knows what I’m willing to sacrifice? Anyway, let’s fire up some focus groups ASAP, because this having two functional legs shit is clearly not working.” At press time, O’Rourke added that it couldn’t hurt to throw in a question about whether it would help his electability to get married to Greg Abbott’s wife.