Why spend your hard-earned money on your family when you could piss it away on trivial bets totally unrelated to sports at all? Here are The Onion’s picks for the best prop bets for Super Bowl LVIII.
Coin Never Touches Ground
Long odds but heavy payout if coin in opening toss hovers above the field for eternity.
Brock Purdy Studies German Flash Cards On Sideline
Massive payout if the 49ers quarterback uses his team’s defensive possessions to review German vocab for an adult ed course he’s taking.
Football Gets Stuck On Neighbor’s Roof
Payout for any delay due to the game ball being wedged in the rain gutter of the house next to Allegiant Stadium.
Football Shape OTHER
While prolate spheroid has won this bet for 57 straight Super Bowls, the +500000000 odds are just too good to pass up.
Usher Gets His Head Stuck While Trying To Take Off His Shirt
Out of the hundreds of his performances available on YouTube, only three show the singer successfully removing his shirt without this happening.
Fox News Over 8.5 Headlines About Commercial Referring To America As Nation Of Immigrants
Smart money on over, unless there’s a terrorist attack or something.
Brock Purdy’s Mom Makes Him Come Inside For Dinner
+750? Not bad.
Andy Reid And Kyle Shanahan Will Freaky Friday
Whether this affects the outcome of the game will depend on how long it takes them to develop empathy and understanding for each other, however different they may be.
Usher Whistles Into Microphone For Entire Halftime Show
Extra payout if he’s never whistled before and is trying it for the first time.
The Breed Of Cartoon Bird Flying Around Sacked Quarterbacks Heads
Cardinal? Bluebird? Place your bets on which breed of bird will be circling Purdy when he gets knocked out.
Andy Reid Under 1.5 Italian Subs Consumed
No matter how much the Chiefs coach loves a good meal, the man is also a professional during the game.
Most Sensual End Zone Dance
Odds are best for Ross Dwelley, who will leave crowds weeping at the sheer power of his sensual lambada, the forbidden dance.
Streaker Remains On Field For 7 Hours
This would be six hours and 58 minutes beyond the current record.
Over On Shots Of Taylor Swift Unhinging Her Jaw To Fit A Whole Fried Chicken Down Her Gullet
Vegas seems to have just set the line too low on this one.
Teams Declare Truce Rather Than Play Overtime
There’s no shame in a 24-24 tie against opponents you’re now proud to call friends.
Where It Will Take Place
The popular money is on Las Vegas, but don’t count out Wichita just yet!
Entire Kelce Family Goes Topless +500
Donna Kelce has been holding back on this family tradition for way too long!
