Beefy Gym Man Drinking From Gallon Water Jug Like Mythical Giant

CHICAGO—In an awe-inspiring display of brute strength, beefy gym man Matthew Brennan was reportedly drinking from a gallon water jug Thursday like a mythical giant. According to observers, the large muscular gym-goer lifted the oversized drinking receptacle to his lips with the unsettling ease of a 100-foot titan ripping a tree from the earth, conjuring images in fellow LA Fitness members’ minds of the hulking 32-year-old stomping through the countryside in mile-spanning strides, leaving deep, massive footprints in his wave that would become ponds and wetlands where small creatures would bathe and refresh themselves after the rain. Sources reported that the beefy gym man might as well have been wearing the pelts of hundreds of wild animals stitched together as he tipped back the plastic container, slugging down the water with the unquenchable thirst of a cyclops stooping down beside a riverbank to drink an entire stream. At press time, Brennan had sighed contentedly like a giant standing atop a mountain peak, picked up his things, and entered his Zumba class.