Bandaged Scientists Wheeled In From Burn Unit To Accept Nobel Prize For Heat And Sensory Research

STOCKHOLM—In recognition of their breakthrough studies revealing how the human nervous system responds to extremely high temperatures, heavily bandaged scientists David Julius and Ardem Patapoutian were reportedly wheeled in from a burn ward Monday to accept a Nobel Prize for their work in heat and sensory research. “We want to thank the Nobel Committee for—oh God, oh God, oh God, it hurts!” said Patapoutian, who spoke through a thick layer of medical gauze and struggled to be heard over the continuous screams of Julius, with whom he shares the award for outstanding work in the field of physiology or medicine. “It’s been a long, excruciating journey to get here, one that some might argue was not worth it at all. But we have a whole new appreciation for how our nerve cells process heat—searing, cruel, unforgiving heat—and we are now moving forward with research into how human pain receptors respond to an extensive series of full-body skin-graft procedures. I know we will always look with fondness upon this prize, assuming we can ever again raise our eyelids, which were fused shut by the flames, the flames, the flames, the endless scorching flames that burn and burn and burn and can never be extinguished.” At press time, reports confirmed the newly minted laureates screamed in agony and passed out after a Nobel Committee member put her arm around their shoulders to pose for a picture.