In today’s world of financial uncertainty, it can be hard to tell when, and how, to ever stop working. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions about retirement, and now, we have the answers.
Question
When would be the best time to start saving for retirement?
Answer
To ensure a secure and comfortable retirement, saving should begin at least five generations before you’re born.
Question
How much money do I need to retire comfortably?
Answer
Doesn’t matter. Your kids are gonna pick you clean the moment your mind starts to go.
Question
What’s the difference between a Traditional IRA, a Roth IRA, and David Lee Roth?
Answer
If you don’t know who Diamond Dave is, there’s no way you’re ready to retire.
Question
I see the light. Is it time to retire?
Answer
Just a few more centuries of forced labor in the afterlife and you’ll be ready to kick back and relax.
Question
The reason for this question is to inform you that your Social Security number has been suspended for suspicion of illegal activity.
Answer
If you do not contact us immediately, we will have no choice but to alert the authorities.
Question
Is it true this slideshow will match retirement contributions up to 4%?
Answer
Not sure why but yes.
Question
Uh…boss. I thought I was done! How can I make it any more clear to these guys I’m outta the game?
Answer
Come on, Big Guy, I can’t do it without you. This is the ultimate score!
Question
I just ejaculated into my wife without a condom. Will that hurt my chances of retirement?
Answer
That’s what Mike Trout’s dad thought, but now look at him!
Question
What if my main plan includes killing and assuming the identity of Ryan Seacrest and then just living the rest of my life hiding from the authorities?
Answer
Most financial experts would recommend targeting someone older and slower, like Robert DeNiro or Clint Eastwood.
Question
I’m 103 years old. When should I start thinking about retirement?
Answer
Senator Feinstein? It’s time to take your medications and go to bed now.
Question
Can’t the elderly live with their kids in intergenerational households like in other countries?
Answer
Great visit. I’ll call you next week, dad.
Question
How much am I supposed to save when I don’t know how much longer I’ll be alive?
Answer
You will die on Jan. 25, 2078.
