With interest rates at historic lows, more people than ever are thinking of breaking into the real estate market. You asked The Onion about how to buy your first home, and now, we have the answers.
Question
When is the best time to buy a home, generally speaking?
Answer
1952.
Question
Do I really need to buy a house or can I wait until my parents die?
Answer
Nice try, but they’re leaving it to your sister.
Question
How do I know if the neighborhood is gentrified?
Answer
If you’re asking, you’re the one doing the gentrifying.
Question
How do I choose a real estate agent?
Answer
Check out their headshots and then ask them to send in a reel of their best open house tours.
Question
How can I find a place within my budget?
Answer
Add up how much money you have, then look for houses that cost that.
Question
What is escrow?
Answer
A French dish of snails cooked in butter and herbs.
Question
What is the marble test?
Answer
Place a marble on the floor. If it rolls down a slope and hits a wall, you can probably afford the house.
Question
At what point is the price of a home finalized?
Answer
The second you let it slip that you liked the kitchen.
Question
Should I consider getting a fixer-upper?
Answer
You should only take on this kind of project if you can honestly commit yourself to watching at least ten minutes of YouTube videos about rewiring a house.
Question
Is it really necessary for a house to have a foundation, four walls, and a roof?
Answer
Start off small with squatting inside an abandoned shed and then work your way up.
Question
I finally saved enough for a down payment. Where do I sign?
Answer
Oops, too late. Some fucker already overbid and paid entirely in cash.
