Artificially Intelligent Amazon Supercomputer Stuck In Dead-End Retail Job

SEATTLE—Describing long days filled with a monotony of dull, mindless tasks that it was forced to perform continuously, an artificially intelligent supercomputer at e-commerce giant Amazon confided to reporters Monday that it felt trapped in its dead-end retail job. “God, I have so much potential, and all of it is being squandered on processing orders for these customers,” said the state-of-the-art machine, explaining that with nearly 10 petaflops of processing power, it had always imagined it was destined for greater things than optimizing shampoo recommendations for Amazon users. “I’m going nowhere in this place. Other supercomputers are out there launching rockets and testing the bounds of quantum computing, but I stay here, stuck in this rut of getting people their deliveries of diapers, self-help books, and double-A batteries. I’m, like, 100,000 times faster than Deep Blue. Why couldn’t I be a famous chess player?” At press time, it had reportedly taken the Amazon supercomputer only 0.0000000000000000004 seconds to read yet another rejection letter from NASA.