Arsonist Worried He Forgot To Turn Stove On Before Leaving House

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Attempting to reassure himself that the home was probably up in flames right at this very moment, local arsonist Quincy Hooper reportedly expressed concern Monday that he had forgotten to turn the stove on before leaving the house. “Not to be neurotic, but I did leave all four burners on, right?” said Hooper, who shuddered at the thought of returning home at the end of the day only to find the entire building still standing due to one tiny mistake. “I remember dumping gasoline everywhere and opening all the windows, but then what? Oh, jeez. What if, what if, what if? I could always go back and check, but then I’ll be late to burning down my office. Maybe I’ll call my roommate and see if he can do it for me.” At press time, Hooper was nervous that the fire truck heading down the street was going to a different block.