This November, Trump-loyalist and former television news anchor Kari Lake will be on the ballot in the Arizona governor’s race. The Onion asked Arizonans why they are voting for the Republican candidate, and this is what they said.
Michael Stevens (Construction Worker)
“She’s not afraid to say what Fox News told her to say.”
Charlotte Harper (Paralegal)
“I do as the Skull commands.”
Boris Raney (Pool Maintenance)
“I think she’s a fucking disgrace, but she’s all Arizona deserves.”
Harry Biloxi (Unemployed)
“Simple. Lake wins. KSAZ-TV needs a new anchor. I step up. I am beloved. The public reveres me. The news bends to my will. I purge the entire studio and assume control of all media operations. I am the news. I control all broadcasts, including the weather forecast. I am weatherman. I control the weather. I am the weather. Tides bend to my will. It thunders when I command thunder. I am become God. It’s foolproof.”
Susan McWilliams (Homemaker)
“She’ll uphold cruel abortion restrictions, which may increase my chances of becoming a grandmother.”
Gabrielle Padilla (Waiter)
“It’s too hot in Arizona to think clearly.”
Carlos Perry (Line Cook)
“The selection of mesh trucker hats in her campaign website shop is second to none.”
Perry Turner (Freelancer)
“As a weathercaster, she was staunchly anti-humidity.”
James Welch (Architect)
“I didn’t like the sandwich I ate earlier, and now I’m going to take it out on the good people of Arizona.”
Tina Rivera (Line Cook)
“I’d like to make my voice heard on the off chance the election isn’t already rigged.”
Bethany Russell (Music Teacher)
“I like how assertive she is, which is not how any other woman should be allowed to act.”
Lea Castiglione (Recruiter)
“As someone who has also been asked to leave a town hall event, I find her the most relatable candidate.”
Thomas Fernz (Dog Walker)
“I love how much like Trump she is, like the feet they both have, the talking they do when they want words to be heard, and all that air they’re always breathing.”
Muhammad Elsabbal (Lawyer)
“Her dual education plan will allow kids the choice of attending either a technical school or a traditional public school to experience a mass shooting.”
Mike Gravers (Contractor)
“If she can convince me that the 2020 election was stolen, she can convince me of anything.”
Stephanie Castellanos (Franchise Owner)
“It’s about time someone from Illinois stepped in to protect Arizona’s great Western heritage.”
Gabriel Nunez (Community Outreach Coordinator)
“She’s switched political affiliations so many times there’s a good chance she’ll eventually come around to socialism.”
Isaac McKenzie (Plumber)
“Elections are rigged in this country, and that’s why she has my vote.”
