MIDDLEBURY, VT—”Life begins at 90.” So goes the motto of spunky area senior Archibald Munson, 91 years young and still as active as ever. While others may imagine retired life to be dull, this resident of the Middlebury Home For The Aged stays active and vital with his favorite hobby–filling his trousers with his own bowel movements up to 40 hours a week!
State-regulated dietary requirements guarantee that Munson gets three high-roughage meals a day, keeping him regular and ensuring the hefty, high-volume defecations that keep him on top of his game. While nursing-home staffers say that trouser-filling among 90-year-olds is common, Munson continually impresses, rising above the crowd with the most voluminously packed trousers on the ward.
Yes, while many seniors fill their pants on occasion, Munson is clearly the champ. Moving his bowels with incredible regularity allows this sporty old-timer to stay in tip-top shape, a lesson we could all afford to learn.
“He’s not very lucid, as over the years Alzheimer’s has caused most of the higher functions of his brain to erode,” said Dr. Frank Gehry, who checks in on Munson once a week. “Yet, despite his dim awareness of his surroundings and identity, Archie’s fighting spirit remains strong as a bull. He is blessed with incredible will power, which continually pushes him to keep filling his pants more voluminously and frequently than before.”
With a reputation like that, Munson has more than earned the respect of those around him. “Arch maintains a strict program of 10 to 20 trouser-fillings each morning, afternoon and evening, as well as at least one or two bedsheet changes during the night while he sleeps,” said nursing assistant Gwen Travis, Munson’s state-appointed caregiver. “He’s a real trooper, the way he just keeps filling and filling his pants without ever tiring, day after day.”
And it’s not just his trousers he fills, either. According to nursing-home staffers, Munson’s Texas-sized loads have also been found in some of the darnedest spots: the laundry-room dryer, pillowcases, a big box of rubber gloves nurses use when cleaning up urine. Even in other residents’ shoes!
And when he’s finished unloading, Munson still remains plenty active, fighting and struggling with nursing-home personnel as they attempt to remove his clothes and clean him up. In one instance, he even bit through an orderly’s skin.
“He’s really proud of his achievements,” Travis said. She then smiled, adding, “Sometimes, he tenaciously clings to the accumulated fecal matter, like he doesn’t want us to take it away!”
Through sheer perseverance, Munson has increased fecal volume per evacuation by more than 60 percent since 1995. What’s more, he now defecates up to six cubic inches at a time, a figure that has stunned medical experts and nursing-home officials alike.
Never content to rest on his laurels, Munson continually strives to reach ever-greater defecatory heights. Pacing himself against other retirees during walks at the local shopping mall, Munson can fill his trousers up to eight times during a single two-hour walk, beating out other mall-walking seniors by a wide margin.
With all his achievements, it’s not surprising that Munson has become a true celebrity in Middlebury. In the whole town, there’s not a single resident who doesn’t recognize his trademark lumpy trousers or his well-known training slogan of, “Where the hell’s my goddamned wife, you bastards!”—a fond tribute to his wife Edna, who died in 1978.
Not that trouser-soiling is Munson’s only interest. Far from it! His favorite TV show is Rat Patrol, and staffers can always tell how much he enjoys it by the way he hurls large wads of his feces at the rec-room television set whenever the show is on.
As if all that weren’t enough, he also loves working with kids. He once wowed a fourth-grade class of Christmas carolers by expelling an entire pound of excrement in excitement. Now that’s the Christmas spirit! Archibald Munson: We salute you!
