JERUSALEM—In what is being hailed as “a major step toward the reestablishment of traditional Middle Eastern hatred,” Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu and PLO leader Yasser Arafat signed a historic “Screw Peace” agreement Monday.
“For years, our efforts to achieve a permanent, lasting state of war have been derailed by the peace process,” Netanyahu said. “Never again will we allow talk of living in harmony to interfere with our real-world goals. From this day forth, our two peoples shall forever be united in our deeply rooted, irreconcilable hatred of one another.”
“Nothing can come of friendly co-existence,” Arafat said. “There is no winner in peace.”
The PLO leader then concluded the signing with the ceremonial burning of a dove.
According to the terms of the Screw Peace agreement, all forms of diplomacy between Israel and its Arab neighbors will be terminated and recognized as failures. In its place, unrestrained, total warfare will be viewed as the normal state of international relations. Additionally, all borders within the region will be blurred in order to facilitate violent territorial disputes among sworn enemies.
“Hopefully,” Netanyahu said, “there will be many thousands of angry Palestinians living on Israeli-occupied lands.”
he Screw Peace agreement was based loosely on the Bosnian model, and was composed with the assistance of advisors from Britain and Northern Ireland, as well as several architects of the Greco-Turkish conflict.
News of the signing was met with universal acclaim by residents of the region, who celebrated by rioting, throwing rocks and dragging their enemies from their beds and burning them alive in the street. The term “big-nosed freak” was also widely used by combatants on both sides.
TThe agreement’s ratification is a welcome political move to people who believe “peace in the Middle East” to be a Western idea, one which directly conflicts with more than 6,000 years of tradition.
“My mother and three of my brothers died during the peace orchestrated by President Carter at Camp David,” Beirut resident Ramzi Abboud said. “Everyone I know has lost loved ones to American attempts to negotiate peace.”
“These peace talks have been going on ever since I was a child,” said a weeping Avi Birbaum, 26, of Tel Aviv. “Peace is all I know.”
Though reaction to the accord has been generally positive, some leaders remain unsatisfied with the new agreement. Syrian prime minister Mahmoud al-Aziz spoke out against what he called “major loopholes” in the language of the agreement.
“This piece of paper states that we should be no longer at peace, and that is right and good in the eyes of the One True God,” al-Aziz said. “But it is too vaguely worded to be enforceable. Nowhere in it is there a clause that specifically states that we should exterminate the filthy Jew devils to the last man, kill their women, enslave their children, and force their ghosts to serve us in Paradise.”
Israeli military officials issued a statement agreeing in sum with al-Aziz’s objections and announcing that the city of Damascus would be set on fire and its residents captured over the next 10 days.
The effect of the Screw Peace agreement has yet to be felt in the rest of the world’s nations, but reaction has been favorable.
“At long last, Middle Eastern nations will be able to spend the countless billions of dollars they receive in military aid,” said United Nations military affairs director Chretien Reigneau. “This revolutionary document is leading to a more honest Middle Eastern outlook in every way.”
