Apologetic Man Regrets Driving Wedge Into Country By Voting

SAVANNAH, GA—Apologizing for the part he had played in the current political dispute that was dividing the country, local man Dale Swick told reporters Wednesday he regrets driving a wedge into the country by voting. “I would have kept my opinions to myself and not even filled out a ballot if I had known that the election results would be so contentious,” said Swick, lamenting his participation in the democratic process that had caused a huge rift across the United States. “I was just trying to help determine who would be best suited to represent the will of the people, but instead, it just made things worse. If I had known that my vote was going to lead to all this drama, I would have just stayed home and let the candidates work it out among themselves.” At press time, Swick was reportedly calling his local city clerk to say sorry and find out if there was any way he could take back his vote.