On June 24, 2022, the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, ending the constitutional right to abortion in the United States. The Onion asked Americans how they felt about the decision, and this is what they said.
Tad Barker (Investment Banker)
“It’s a great day, but women’s autonomy over their bodies can always resurface if we’re not careful.”
Renée Steinberg (Antiques Dealer)
“You may not like it, but in a democracy, the will of the majority is totally ignored.”
Matthew Wheeler (Accountant)
“Let’s celebrate that women had any rights for this long.”
Chuck Schumer (Senator)
“I’m going to do my part by voting for Democrats this November.”
Katie Pike (Engineer)
“I’m just glad I voted blue to make sure we have representatives who feel as helpless as I do.”
Keisha Jackson (Doctor)
“Oh, did we lose another fundamental right? It’s so hard to keep track these days.”
Brittany Jones (Cashier)
“I have to think that the two people on the court who have allegedly committed sexual assault have women’s best interests at heart.”
Tanya Littleton (Anti-Abortion Activist)
“Ever since I found out I couldn’t have a baby, it has been my lifelong dream to make sure everyone else is forced to.”
Emerson Burns (Librarian)
“This raises the terrifying possibility that the conservative supermajority will do the things they have explicitly said they are going to do.”
Carly Fischer (Nurse)
“I’m sure the Democrats’ best and brightest social media managers are on the case.”
George Geoffries (Dog Trainer)
“I had no idea the Supreme Court felt this way. A warning sure would’ve been nice!”
Dan Gibbs (Construction Worker)
“It will be nice to finally have a reason to put people in our country’s notoriously underpopulated prisons.”
Monica Dooley (Sous-Chef)
“I was really hoping the rabid right-wing theocrats on the court would have changed their minds since that draft opinion was leaked.”
Sandy Jones (Department Manager)
“If we don’t fight for the life of the unborn on earth, who will serve us as eternal slaves and do our bidding in heaven?”
Ethan Hanson (Priest)
“All those fetuses don’t get to avoid being born when I had to be.”
Elizabeth Miller (Accountant)
“Honestly, I was sort of feeling like the amount of human rights I had before was kind of overkill.”
Holly Patchett (Lawyer)
“I guess I’m okay with it, as long as one of the babies a mother is forced to have ultimately becomes the deciding vote on the Supreme Court to reinstate Roe v. Wade.”
Samuel Alito (U.S
“Quite frankly, I think the justices who wrote the opinion are heroes.”
