The Onion asked Americans how they felt about the live-action remake of the movie where a teenage fish girl marries a human prince, and this is what they said.
Fred Peterson, Welder
“I didn’t like it. Ariel should have been Hispanic.”
Wendy Cartsin, Videographer
“I knew this movie would be a woke nightmare when I saw the diverse array of fish that were featured.”
Laura Hernández, Consultant
“I feel neither joy nor hatred, neither anticipation nor disgust. It is just another thing to consume on my road to the grave.”
Rachel Dieter, Arborist
“What’s next? An Italian Mulan?
Janelle Pike, Costume Designer
“As a huge fan of the first one, I can’t wait to see a totally unnecessary reinterpretation of it.”
Bill Chang, Line Cook
“If Disney thinks it can keep exploiting my childhood nostalgia with subpar CGI retreads like this, it’s correct.”
Doug Hanson, App Developer
“I went in feeling outraged about Black Ariel and then found even more things to get mad about, which is all I can ask from a movie. Five stars.”
Robert Iger, Disney CEO
“I only care about money.”
Kenny Stevens, Marketing Manager
“I loved the real-world accuracy of a royal prince being attracted to an underage girl.”
Kyle Garson, Pastor
“First thing, keep your woke messaging out of kids movies. Second thing, not enough cleavage.”
Julia Jiménez, Veterinarian
“We’re still left with the same questions from the original about how merpeople fuck.”
Joan Gibson, Disney Park Employee
“Disney continues their brilliant string of live-action remakes of their classic animated films. That’s what I was told to say.”
Jim Carlson, Painter
“You can clearly tell the scenes were shot above water. I’m sure it won’t be a huge deal, but I had to point it out.”
Oscar Woodward, Cook
“I’m not interested in some Disney-fied version of a classic animated film from my childhood.”
Mel Sicora, Teacher
“It’s a lovely film, but as a racist, I feel I’m obligated to hate it.”
Gunther Rebello, Librarian
“I won’t complain as long as there’s a gratuitous shot of Ariel’s feet every few minutes.”
Dan Parker, Lab Assistant
“I cleared the masturbation hurdle with the animated one, so this should be a cinch.”
