WNBA star Brittney Griner, who had been imprisoned for months in Russia for transporting cannabis vape cartridges, was released in a prisoner swap. The Onion asked Americans what they thought about the basketball player securing her freedom and returning home.
Nelson Bauman (Adjunct Professor)
“Good, she should rot in the WNBA for her crimes.”
Kamala Harris (Vice President)
“And I got to stand by the phone while it all happened!”
Paul Lipstadt (Creative Director)
“Thank God. Could you imagine someone getting incarcerated just for marijuana?”
Amanda Richardson (Paralegal)
“Since they made her miss a whole season in the WNBA, Russia should really owe her $19 in lost wages as well.”
Jasmin Nelson (Attorney)
“And just in time for National Llama Day!”
Michael Jordan (Former NBA Player)
“I went through something similar when I returned to American basketball from the horrifying prison that is Major League Baseball.”
Paul Green (Chef)
“Sorry, I don’t watch women’s sports unless they’re way more naked.”
Sophie Lin (Bartender)
“This is just like one of those Hallmark Christmas movies where someone returns to their hometown after 10 months in a Russian prison.”
Brittney Griner (Basketball Player)
“Honestly, kind of ambivalent.”
Alexander Barajas (Supervisor)
“Let’s not forget, Griner was in Russia in the first place because of the insane pay gap between male and female basketball players, which should stay right where it is.”
Nadia French (Florist)
“It could’ve been worse—she could’ve been serving jail time in the U.S.”
Samuel Dillingham (Truck Driver)
“Did she bring us anything?”
Jubjub (Tortoise)
“In all my 150 years, I hath never experienced such jubilation! A vegetable cake for all!”
Hadley Slansky (Spa Manager)
“I prefer true crime stories where the person dies.”
LeBron James (Basketball Player)
“I’m happy about it. What? You’re trying to insinuate I’m not?”
Greg Zavala (Flight Attendant)
“Hopefully now she has learned her lesson about murdering people, or whatever crime of that magnitude she must have committed to be handed such a harsh sentence.”
Scorch (Phoenix Mercury Mascot)
[Zany gesturing]
Alicia Gibbs (Wedding Coordinator)
“Yet you won’t hear liberals saying, ‘Thank you, Mr. Trump.”
Stephen Wayne (Bus Driver)
“It’s sad that stars like Brittney Griner have to be imprisoned in Russia because we won’t pay them enough to be imprisoned here.”
