On July 21, 2022, President Joe Biden was diagnosed with Covid-19. The Onion asked Americans how they felt, and this is what they said.
Geoff Neumann (Waiter)
“It’ll take a lot more than some virus to keep my president from directionless floundering.”
Nate Jasper (Jeweler)
“If an exhausted 79-year-old can get it, no one’s safe.”
Frank Quinn (General Contractor)
“This is just another pathetic attempt by Biden to distract Americans from rising Covid numbers.”
Anita Schultz (Professor)
“Getting Covid for the first time this late in the pandemic confirms that he’s a loser with no friends.”
Jessica Porter (Administrative Assistant)
“I hope he gets well soon, because his death isn’t scheduled for another four months.”
Jim Franks (Stage Manager)
“If the president can handle a little Covid, then surely the poorest, most vulnerable Americans can, too.”
Kenny Logan (Health Insurance Customer Service Representative)
“Yes, I know. I rejected his insurance claim to get his at-home Covid test for free.”
Ellen Chamberlain (Dialogue Transcriber)
“Wow. Now this whole pandemic thing is starting to feel real.”
Lucy Hardwick (Pulmonologist)
“He’ll be fine. The people hit hardest by Covid tend to be the elderly who don’t have multiple personal physicians.”
Antony Blinken (Secretary Of State)
“I told him not to go Pitchfork.”
Cesar Iglesias (Nurse)
“At least he’s old enough not to worry about long Covid.”
Bill Rochester (Truck Driver)
“This is really going to tarnish his legacy. You never hear anything about Abraham Lincoln getting Covid.”
Jenny Stinson (Waitress)
“How will this impact gas prices?”
Warren Abbott (Camper Salesman)
“At least this will be an improvement on how he usually feels.”
Gary Bledsoe (Barber)
“I hope this affords him a much-deserved break from all the awesome stuff he’s been accomplishing.”
Rachel Felder (Lobbyist)
“Good thing he hasn’t been in close contact with anyone important.”
Andy Zane (Fast Food Worker)
“Pansy. I’ve had it four times already.”
Gigi Anderson (Wedding Planner)
“Two presidents in a row? Let’s keep that streak going!”
