In response to growing antiwar protests at American universities, including Columbia, Yale, and MIT, some outspoken critics have demanded the U.S. military take action. The Onion asked Americans why they believe the National Guard should be called on students, and this is what they said.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/6706c37c47be06e169ac009e9dc8ca83.png)
Rachel Weinberger, Lawyer
“My son does his best studying at gunpoint.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/634356572dd8ffdf2e46e5cf1161bf2f.jpg)
Anjula Batra, Account Manager
“Freedom of speech is one thing, but if they’re blocking ultimate Frisbee teams from using the quad, that’s an issue.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/a91f71b8879e56f44ff513acfcf98675.png)
Rodney Leflet, Package Handler
“It’s important to intervene before a protest becomes a drum circle.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/d60db18bb0d161452b39a8f904fb612c.png)
Jerry O’Malley, Contractor
“They have better aim than normal cops.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/fe7e3d443a6f45212d11b15b17db47f1.png)
Jeffrey Garron, Engineer
“I’d prefer they be taken out by an IDF airstrike, but this is the next best thing.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/4bc97da3c49c9ae75ab8a949e37311b9.png)
Paul Linetti, Data Analyst
“College is the time to experiment with violent repression from the state.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/147ed4e8d29dfb6afe83a682fee20382.png)
Sarah Moore, Professor
“Wait, so the Navy Seals aren’t available?”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/390e02122e9aad1fb7cfc8ce21213bc8.png)
Bethany Flores, Pastry Chef
“My tax dollars pay for that tear gas, so I want to see it out there making some kids choke.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/af88c89d300738f1fc8e6c0a18f0da2e.jpg)
Vik Patel, Dry Cleaner
“What’s the big deal? College students blast each other with water cannons during spring break all the time.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/c3a7a6b833c63d4566e026dfb10b6b03.jpg)
Kyle Egert, Movie Critic
“My biggest regret is not getting shot more in college.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/59fdeb12291684b32a256172a17ae3c5.jpg)
Artie Schiff, Hedge Fund Manager
“We’d call in the real Army, but most of their funding has been diverted to Israel.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/72f98cfb1393eb55511fbcf9637be996.png)
Althea Roman, Psychologist
“Frees up the local police to arrest more homeless people.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/3d0c2f06f5842c888daf20266ddfbb5c.jpg)
Roger White, Investment Banker
“The only way for American Jews to feel safe is the knowledge that state power can be mobilized at a moment’s notice to systemically target a specific population.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/3d5f40a46ef0a69c68dfd632bc07a28f.jpg)
Greta Davies, Accountant
“I just think college kids need an ass-kicking every few months.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/66974a026a808ff2b5f6477d93a4c89d.png)
Houston Patton, Chiropractor
“I want to say…antisemitism? I can’t remember if I’m for or against, but definitely antisemitism.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/d25263fb1b84ebac8764c07fc06086bf.jpg)
Mark Hernandez, Congressional Aide
“If they don’t become disillusioned with our country now, they might still waste their lives trying to change it.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/e3999d95a2f478a318a5893141a2b533.jpg)
Matthew Kirberger, Researcher
“It’s gotta be safer than having cops out there.”