Kayla Merrick (Therapist)
“America has a lot of pent-up aggression that needs a healthy outlet, like war.”
Yvette Wirth (Home Health Aide)
“I think the recent successes of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan show that we’re ready to take on a much more formidable opponent.”
Jim Taiclet (Lockheed Martin CEO)
“I think it’s time for a bonus.”
Erin Neel (Chef)
“It would draw attention away from my disaster of a panna cotta.”
Joe Lopez (Truck Driver)
“My iPhone broke after a year, so I’ve got a bone to pick with that Chinese factory’s idea of high-quality goods.”
William Burns (CIA Director)
“My New Year’s resolution was to fuel more senseless bloodshed.”
Marcus Ruiz (Captain, U.S. Army)
“It would be nice to be deployed to East Asia for a change.”
Lisa Monroe (Notary)
“I basically support whatever as long as it doesn’t affect me personally.”
Irene Kondo (Cashier)
“It’s just kind of what we do, isn’t it?”
Edna Bass (Receptionist)
“Well, the thing is, war increases domestic manufacturing, which in turn improves our GDP, so there’s really no downside to war.”
Craig Leonard (Roofer)
“I just think it would be weird if we scapegoated them for a bunch of stuff for like 40 years and then didn’t go to war with them.”
Pete Buttigieg (Transportation Secretary)
“While I oppose unnecessary violence, I am dying to practice my Mandarin.”
Ben Santos (Personal Assistant)
“I am trying to say ‘yes’ more.”
Ken Burns (Director)
“I still need a shit-ton of content to fill my next 26-hour documentary, and Ken Burns’ The Chinese-American War sounds amazing, right?”
John Bolton (Former National Security Advisor)
“We can make up an excuse later!”
Mazien Agha (Dog Walker)
“My therapist recommended I open myself up more to things that scare me.”
Craig Benbow (Attorney)
“Ever since I heard about nuclear weapons, I’ve always wanted to experience one myself.”
Jason Morbuz (Bus Driver)
“I’m honestly just bored.”
Julie Rasmussen (U.S. Marine)
“I wish to die a pointless, gruesome death abroad.”
Annie Williams (Therapist)
“I specialize in PTSD treatment, so 20 or so years down the line, I could be making bank.”
Kris Hollings (Software Developer)
“Yao Ming remains too tall to be tolerated.”
Dallas Castillo (Photographer)
“I don’t even know if I’m a person with my own thoughts, or if I just think whatever TV and the internet programs me to think. I’m so mired in ideology that even when I attempt to strip away what you might consider the external rhetoric that I’ve inherited, it’s hard to tell if anything truly remains of my being. Given that existential quagmire, I can either spend every day in a quasi-schizophrenic panic, or I can comfort myself with the mass-produced ideal that I’ve been invited to accept, which in this case is going to war with China.”
