Following President Joe Biden’s announcement on forgiving student debt, The Onion asked Americans across the country why they oppose the student loan relief plan.
Cara Berger (Mathematician)
“I think it’s unfair to help the working class if it isn’t a cover for giving corporations huge tax cuts.”
Chester Locke (Landscaper)
“I oppose it because I worked so hard to make sure no one has anything that I don’t have.”
Larry Belkin (Loan Officer)
“I refuse to let Biden erase all the hard work I did tricking 18-year-olds into a predatory system.”
Arlo Jones (Chef)
“Giving government handouts to people with student loan debt is unfair to those who have paid off their student loans and want to be real assholes about it.”
Cody Walden (Wesleyan University Administrator)
“Swindling students into crippling poverty is one of our school’s core values.”
Dorothy Henderson (Auctioneer)
“Can you even call yourself an American if you’re not drowning in debt?”
Sloane Gutierrez (Librarian)
“In the Bible, Jesus says to never forgive.”
Marcia Bailey (Project Manager)
“I ate ramen for six years straight, sold plasma, and slept in my car to pay off my loans, and for some sick reason I want everyone else to do that too.”
Jeff Bezos (CEO)
“The thought of lifting anyone out of poverty makes me nauseous.”
Brianna Briggs (Medical Secretary)
“Well you see, whereas our economic system used to run on a gold-standard, now we run on a debt-standard that relies upon accelerating the burden of debt to generate economic activity, so anytime you make it easier to live in this country, you’re essentially destroying our society.”
Fred Hampford (Fantasy)
“It just gets me so steaming mad to see student debt canceled because I’m a figment of Mitch McConnell’s imagination.”
Rebecca Wilson (Human Resources Chief)
“If I didn’t have all this debt holding me back, I’d leave my husband and kids right now.”
Zane Gregory (Ballistics Engineer)
“Government handouts should be reserved for military contractors and banks.”
Liza Dillahunt (Web Developer)
“The suffering, yes, it pleases me.”
William Raza (Graphic Designer)
“Steve Jobs dropped out of college. This connects somehow. Hold on, give me a second.”
Greyson Woods (Systems Analyst)
“I was told that it would increase inflation, and that’s what I will continue to repeat.”
Clark Waters (Art Director)
“I already paid off my loans, so it’s only fair that millions of people are forced into a perpetual struggle against a system that oppresses them whether or not they have avenues to eventually overcome their hardships.”
Eric Wyman (Nonprofit President)
“I’d have to find another superficial excuse for when I vote for the Republican candidate in 2024.”
Xavier Dahir (EMT)
“It’s an astronomical waste of money considering no one’s going to pay their student loans back anyway.”
Mathilde Klein (Furniture Repair)
“I took out $200,000 in loans, and then I took out $400,000 more in loans, and then I took out $5.5 million in loans, and then I took out $34 million in loans, and then I took out $500 billion in loans, and then I took out $1.5 trillion in loans, and then I took out $21 trillion in loans, which is the size of the U.S. GDP, and I’ve never paid a cent of it back, and if they cancel student debt now, they’ll ruin my plan to kill myself and take the entire U.S. economy down with me.”
India Avila (Aromatherapist)
“Students who agreed to take on the debt should have known that they would be heading into several recessions and a pandemic after graduation.”
Kevin Costner (Actor)
“Didn’t expect to see ol’ Kevin Costner showing up in this slideshow, did you? $35,000. That’s what I was paid to appear in this. Just to keep you excited about what’s going on in here. Anyway, click on ahead. Don’t let me slow you down.”
Roberto Park (Mechanical Engineer)
“I don’t like anything that pleases Elizabeth Warren.”
Helena Anderson (Business Consultant)
“I worked over 800 years to pay off my student loan debt, and I think everyone else should be forced into eternal slavery to do the same.”
Rich Staunton (Administrative Assistant)
“They say canceling student loan debt will help make people less stressed and miserable, but they’re lying. I don’t have any student loan debt, and I’m stressed and miserable.”
