Recent polls show that trust in the Supreme Court has continued to erode since Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization overturned a woman’s constitutional right to an abortion. The Onion asked Americans to explain why they have lost faith in the highest court in the land, and this is what they said.
Preston Berger (Freelance Writer)
“None of the current justices lend themselves well to fun bobbleheads.”
Martha Gamble (Dental Hygienist)
“All I know is I don’t feel the same feelings I once did when admiring their poster on my wall.”
Jackie Carrillo (Financial Advisor)
“There are a lot of reasons, but I’d have to say it’s mostly about the rulings.”
Derek Summers (Investment Analyst)
“They all wear robes to work. Looks unprofessional.”
Matt Cho (Administrative Assistant)
“They gotta be hiding something under those big robes. But what?”
Jim Spiegel (Dry Cleaner Shop Owner)
I never know what they’re doing under the robes.
Hannah Cipriano (Production Assistant)
“There hasn’t been enough sexual tension on the bench since Scalia and Ginsburg died.”
Robert Bork (Deceased Judge)
“Not enough Bork.”
Beau Hancock (Supreme Court Law Clerk)
“Justice Kavanaugh promised he would come to my barbecue last weekend, then never showed.”
Clarence Thomas (Supreme Court Justice)
“I lost all respect for that institution the moment the Senate confirmed me.”
Henry Stevenson (Movie Theater Worker)
“I caught them sneaking candy under their robes into the movie theater one too many times.”
Russell Gill (Interior Designer)
“Alito sounds Italian.”
Michael O’Connell (HR Director)
“I have a feeling they may be affiliated with the government.”
Joan Abernathy (Law Clerk)
“One of them walked off with the Tupperware I brought to last year’s Christmas party, and it had my name on it.”
Jada Perkins (Transmission System Operator)
“Things haven’t been the same ever since I caught them looking through my stuff.”
Leah Lim (Professional Organizer)
“I miss when there was just a moderate amount of religious extremism sprinkled into their decisions.”
Sawyer Smith (Contractor)
“Kavanaugh still owes me, like, $45.”
John Hare (Tax Attorney)
“None of them have much of a social media presence, which is a huge red flag.”
Chuck Schumer (Senate Majority Leader)
“Because Mitch McConnell and his cronies have struck a blow to our rights and it’s looking dire—unless we can count on your support?”
