While it’s obvious to anyone with common sense that workers don’t deserve fair wages, The Onion asked Americans across the country to explain why the minimum wage should not be increased.
Charles Koch (Businessman)
“Debilitating poverty builds character.”
Brandon Toulson (Small Business Owner)
“I like it when the money belongs to me.”
Tony Hoerr (Pilot)
“People put too much emphasis on the amount of their paycheck while completely ignoring the other perks of a job, like holding the power to claim 200 souls at once with a quick jerk of the wheel. You can’t put a price on that.”
Dan Frampton (Fast Food Worker)
“I’ve completely internalized the culture’s belief that I’m worthless and contribute nothing of worth to the country, so I would just feel greedy asking for more.”
Daniela Murphy (Real Estate Lawyer)
“I’ve held a grudge against the lower classes ever since that time at Arby’s when I got a small fry instead of the medium fry I ordered.”
Morgan Washington (Housekeeper)
“Then I’d have to come up with a new reason to justify stealing pounds and pounds of pillow mints.”
Hank Christensen (Quality Control Engineer)
“I worked for minimum wage back in 1970, and I was able to pay for college, an apartment, a Lamborghini, a dozen maids, and a private chef, as well as an armed security team to guard my vast fortune. What’s to stop people today from doing the same?”
James Hardey (Accountant)
“I’ll be honest, raising the minimum wage goes against my whole goal of bringing back slavery in full force.”
Sean Hale (Registered Nurse)
“Sorry, the middle class is full.”
Jeff Bezos (CEO)
“What kind of heartless monster would deprive a millionaire shareholder of their $200,000 bonus?”
Adrienne Padovano (Proprietor, Four Sons Pizza)
“I gave birth to all of my employees, so I make the rules. End of story.”
Dustin Bullard (Cashier)
“I like not being able to pay my rent.”
Elon Musk (CEO)
“Do I really need to justify my hatred of the poor?”
Kayla Owens (Sales Associate)
“It would be unfair to people like me who have worked for minimum wage for years to ever get a break from that, to ever know comfort or freedom from anxiety.”
Linda Stern (Professor)
“Frankly, the power structures in place have benefited me greatly, and it doesn’t really bother me to see people who are working two to three jobs just to make ends meet starve.”
Moses Nealy (Prospector)
“As someone living in 1848, $7.25 an hour already sounds too good to be true.”
Glen Wilson (Chef)
“I’d have to raise prices, which usually results in a pie being smashed in my face.”
Phillis Dern (Landscape Architect)
“People who make minimum wage would be able to save a lot more if they didn’t spend it all on frivolous things like food and rent.”
Andrew Yang (Founder of the Forward Party)
“Because! Forward!”
Carrie Wolfe (Warehouse Supervisor)
“It’s a lot harder to break the spirits of workers who can afford to feed themselves.”
Jake Trezza (Financial Analyst)
“I’ll level with you. I wasn’t 100% sure what a minimum wage was when you asked, and I didn’t want to sound stupid, so I just said keep it the same.”
Mateo Solis (Landscaper)
“If we pay people more, the price of sleemps is going to go through the roof. They’re saying sleemps will be a million dollars! And I don’t even know what sleemps are! Good god! I’m having a meltdown just thinking about all the costs!”
Nikki Hendrix (Tech Specialist)
“I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to give them money, and I shouldn’t have to give them money. I don’t have to come up with a reason. I just don’t.”
Larry Summers (Former U.S. Treasury Secretary)
“The grab bag of humiliations and cruelties we call the economy simply wouldn’t allow it.”
Nelly Thompson (Aluminum Distributor)
“If I ever fall out of the middle class, I figure having to make $7.25 an hour would be a fitting punishment for my insane views.”
Krystal Fernando (Financial Manager)
“I can’t remember why, but I think it had something to do with a burger.”
Pamela Rodgers (HR Director)
“If you raise it, where does it end? At the highest number? All of a sudden we’re just going to let every burger-flipper and cashier make the highest number there is, out of all the numbers?”
Bonnie Williams (Marketing Director)
“And turn into one of those countries that’s consistently ranked as one of the happiest in the world? No thanks.”
