After a second incident in which the Kentucky senator froze up during a press conference, The Onion asked Americans to explain why Mitch McConnell should step down, and this is what they said.
Dana Boone, Radiologist
“You really shouldn’t be exposed to sunlight if you’re 85% goo or more.”
Harrison Newburn, Dermatologist
“It’s time his family members stepped in and placed him in a lobbying firm.”
Jerry Vito, Butcher
“He’s already at that meat-falling-off-the-bone stage.”
Alice Schenk, Doctor
“As a physician specializing in geriatric medicine, I can say it is clear from the video that he is old as shit.”
Derek Chambers, Bird Enthusiast
“We need lawmakers who approach policy with a fresher, more youthful view of white supremacy.”
Parker Olmstead, Pet Sitter
“I’m delusional enough to think we can get a Democrat elected in his place.”
Bailey Vance, Aesthetician
“I think we can all agree there should be term limits for politicians we don’t like.”
Benjamin Lawrence, Judge
“I’m really into the idea of retirement being the beginning of something amazing! Mitch still has 40 or 50 years to devote to becoming an amazing figure skater or watercolor artist.”
Lana Cleek, Sales Manager
“I think we should set the age limit for any politician at 12.”
Marisol Lopez, Realtor
“We specifically set up our society to guarantee that our nation’s elderly would wither away into nothingness out of sight of the rest of us.”
Mitch McConnell, U.S. Senator
“…”
Roberta Hill, Mechanical Engineer
“His mental infirmities are slightly weirder and more difficult to get my head around than those of our other major political leaders.”
Katherine Avila, Graphic Designer
“I know if that were my elderly father up there, I’d want him beheaded for the evil he’s inflicted upon America.”
Ignacio Wilson, IT Developer
“The daily work of stigmatizing trans kids and forcing women to give birth takes incredible concentration, and I just think Mitch is getting too old to do that.”
Joe Cousins, Bond Trader
“I’d like to be able to look at my senator without vomiting.”
Elaine Hampton, Pharmacist
“I’m sure he’s still got a lot of slurs left to say on his bucket list.”
Elaine Chao, Wife
“I require pleasuring at home.”
George Eng, Phlebotomist
“We the living cannot allow ourselves to be ruled by the dead.”
Patricia Farnsworth, Maître D’
“He deserves some time to relax before spending eternity in hell.”
