In a world where the right endorsement can make or break a presidential candidate, there is one opinion that matters most of all: that of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The Onion asked Americans who they believed Jesus would vote for, and this is what they said.
Carl Nelson, Copywriter
“Whichever candidate has a stronger anti-crucifixion stance.”
Kathryn Hornbeck, Arborist
“Probably Himself. He’s always talking about how holy He is in the Bible.”
Patty Gordon, Nurse Practitioner
“I’d say Biden, just because I think they’re both from Scranton.”
Dillon Barrett, Legal Secretary
“He’s a felon, so He wouldn’t be allowed to vote.”
Ralph Ortiz, Electrician
“All we know is He drank from a Romney-Ryan 2012 mug at the Last Supper.”
Gloria Yates, Event Coordinator
“Jesus would gravitate toward Trump as the sickliest candidate.”
Martin O’Brien, Software Engineer
“He wouldn’t need to vote. As a Jew, He knows the presidency is controlled by the cabal.”
Vishnu, Deity
“Ralph Nader. He just will not shut up about that guy.”
Dominic Jackson, Plumber
“Whichever candidate acted the most impressed by His bread-multiplying trick.”
Stephen Montgomery, Pastor
“That’s a trick question. He wouldn’t vote—He would make Himself king of the United States and make us tremble under His mighty iron fist.”
Robert Hart, Dietitian
“Jesús? Sounds like a guy that would vote for Biden, probably a few times in one day.”
Annie Coleman, Congressional Aide
“Due to the fact that He’s unvaccinated, I assume He’d vote for RFK Jr.”
Judd Yost, Data Scientist
“Who cares? That SOB is dead.”
Megan Nash, Software Consultant
“Christ had very few earthly possessions, so He would vote for Trump, because Trump’s got everything Jesus doesn’t have but wishes He did.”
Charles Rottman, Field Inspector
“Foreigners can’t vote.”
Henrietta Parsons, Teacher
“Me. I’ve been praying quite a lot lately.”
Jeff Graham, Dog Breeder
“Whoever George Soros paid Him to.”
