In a world where the right endorsement can make or break a presidential candidate, there is one opinion that matters most of all: that of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The Onion asked Americans who they believed Jesus would vote for, and this is what they said.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/79ba6289dddb1318339e0dca5c532244.png)
Carl Nelson, Copywriter
“Whichever candidate has a stronger anti-crucifixion stance.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/2b26ba838e4eefd3a57becb8d49cee9b.png)
Kathryn Hornbeck, Arborist
“Probably Himself. He’s always talking about how holy He is in the Bible.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/79764658557d7047f11cf0c7d89be256.png)
Patty Gordon, Nurse Practitioner
“I’d say Biden, just because I think they’re both from Scranton.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/75c86c5391d6b55c737885163cf066e0.png)
Dillon Barrett, Legal Secretary
“He’s a felon, so He wouldn’t be allowed to vote.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/4c2c6af77297cfb840e7a29673cab6c1.jpg)
Ralph Ortiz, Electrician
“All we know is He drank from a Romney-Ryan 2012 mug at the Last Supper.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/bd14578b23f1b29bd9e6bc462174f5fe.png)
Gloria Yates, Event Coordinator
“Jesus would gravitate toward Trump as the sickliest candidate.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/7dd217975c95abc566fb25f0921cb52f.png)
Martin O’Brien, Software Engineer
“He wouldn’t need to vote. As a Jew, He knows the presidency is controlled by the cabal.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/523b057e78b000a2d006d8000f88cd8b.png)
Vishnu, Deity
“Ralph Nader. He just will not shut up about that guy.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/833681cca17e7e92376f6e0a326df02e.jpg)
Dominic Jackson, Plumber
“Whichever candidate acted the most impressed by His bread-multiplying trick.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/459d2b229d967cd344b26a04100ee76e.jpg)
Stephen Montgomery, Pastor
“That’s a trick question. He wouldn’t vote—He would make Himself king of the United States and make us tremble under His mighty iron fist.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/f40c7261a742de7138abfff51f4153ee.jpg)
Robert Hart, Dietitian
“Jesús? Sounds like a guy that would vote for Biden, probably a few times in one day.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/950e1390d2e7bf4d756d4cb25a60cec4.png)
Annie Coleman, Congressional Aide
“Due to the fact that He’s unvaccinated, I assume He’d vote for RFK Jr.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/c15c53243e6082cdebdccebe953cdd38.jpg)
Judd Yost, Data Scientist
“Who cares? That SOB is dead.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/0516d969df770487449727dfb69da6b9.png)
Megan Nash, Software Consultant
“Christ had very few earthly possessions, so He would vote for Trump, because Trump’s got everything Jesus doesn’t have but wishes He did.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/e403ae407600c2d587833f3621a4f11b.jpg)
Charles Rottman, Field Inspector
“Foreigners can’t vote.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/613d13fd4bddf5e2cbe490b157984335.png)
Henrietta Parsons, Teacher
“Me. I’ve been praying quite a lot lately.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/531b15d3576779ae21a3d50528b196dc.jpg)
Jeff Graham, Dog Breeder
“Whoever George Soros paid Him to.”