Although phosphorus munitions are not technically banned under international law, it is illegal to use them against civilian populations. The Onion asked Americans when the military should be permitted to use white phosphorus, and this is what they said.
Luther Belkin, General
“As frequently as we can afford it, which, based on our stockpile, is always.”
Phillip Royceman, Roofer
“Just check how ‘foreign-y’ the country seems and then use an amount proportionate to that.”
Olivia Scully, Security Guard
“I don’t know about war, but it’s great for stopping kids from skateboarding on private property.”
Larry Driscoll, Gym Teacher
“Raining fire from the sky is really the only way to destroy a network of underground tunnels.”
John Ray, Defense Contractor
“As often as possible, and also during peacetime, just because we can.”
Nick Creed, Lawyer
“After you’ve hired me as your personal attorney.”
Georgina Saldana, Nurse
“Use it when you’re forced to because civilians refuse to light themselves on fire.”
Brenda Huff, Physical Therapist
“I think I have a candle with that scent.”
Brett Stanton, Clerk
“Pretty much whenever.”
Diana Abney, Analyst
“If you’ve got it, you might as well use it.”
Lisa Bermudez, Yoga Instructor
“Once every three months to keep the public engaged.”
Paula Krieg, Baker
“Everyone deserves a cheat day.”
Kimberly Todd, Aesthetician
“I’ve heard white phosphorous is a great exfoliant.”
Diana Vaughn, Administrative Assistant
“I just think it’s in bad taste to use it in conflicts that the media is covering.”
Lorie Summers, Ophthalmologist
“For as long as our allies leave room for plausible deniability.”
Alana Fitzgerald, Teacher
“Before you learn enough about what it does to feel bad about using it.”
Sally Corsi, Editor
“Whenever a hostile child gets their hands on an especially sharp rock.”
Fred Peterson, Welder
“Tuesdays.”
