Texans Explain Why Razor Wire Should Be Allowed At The Border
Despite both the Supreme Court and the Biden administration ordering the removal of razor wire along the U.S.-Mexico border, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has pledged to continue installing it. The Onion asked Texans why they support the controversial deterrent, and this is what they said.
ICE Agent Torturing Migrants Moved By Resiliency Of Human Spirit
WINNFIELD, LA—Reflecting that the experience taught him more about what it is to be alive than he had ever thought possible, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Anthony Sanford told reporters Wednesday that torturing detained migrants had left him moved by the resiliency of the human spirit.
ICE Agent Jealous Of Cop Who Gets To Kill Actual Americans
PEARSALL, TX—Explaining that it was hard not to feel inferior given their job responsibilities, ICE agent Marcus Snell admitted to reporters Thursday that he was jealous of his police officer friend who gets to kill actual Americans.
ICE Agent Stays Late To Catch Up On Human Rights Violations
LOS FRESNOS, TX—Putting in overtime to ensure every person in his custody was thoroughly persecuted, local U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Reed reportedly stayed at work late Thursday to catch up on his human rights violations.
ICE Opens Interdimensional Detention Center To Indefinitely Imprison Immigrants Across Infinite Number Of Multiverses
BRANE MULTIVERSE 378-C—In an effort to better comply with recent moves to abolish limits on migrant detention, ICE officials announced Thursday that they planned to open an interdimensional detention center to indefinitely imprison migrants across an infinite number of multiverses.
ICE Protests Brutal Conditions Of Being Forced To Stand Outside Homes Of Immigrants For Hours
PHOENIX—Demanding federal officials step up and improve their work environment, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents released a statement Tuesday, complaining of brutal conditions in which they are made to stand outside immigrant homes for prolonged stretches of time.
ICE Sends Agents Home With Sacks Of Flour To Practice What It Like Detaining Real Baby
WASHINGTON—In an effort to prepare officers for upcoming nationwide raids on undocumented immigrants, ICE officials announced Thursday that they would be sending agents home with sacks of flour to practice detaining real babies.
ICE Argues Migrants In Camps Are Free To Die At Any Time
WASHINGTON—Defending the law enforcement agency from criticism about detaining thousands of people who had been living or seeking asylum in the U.S., Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials argued Tuesday that migrants in their camps are free to die at any time.
ICE Agent Can’t Believe He Being Reprimanded For Child Who Died All Those Months Ago
CASA PADRE, TX—Saying the incident was so long ago that he had difficulty recalling the girl’s face, ICE agent Ed Thornton couldn’t believe he was being reprimanded Friday for a child who died months ago.
ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ease the transition of vulnerable young refugees into an unfamiliar new home, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced a new campaign Friday which aims to reunite immigrant children with their original arresting officer.
ICE Agent Terrified After Becoming Separated From Team During Immigrant Raid
SIERRA VISTA, AZ—Looking around in a panic as he realized he had been left all alone, ICE agent Derek Borland was reportedly terrified Tuesday after becoming separated from his team during a raid on an immigrant community.
Pros And Cons Of Abolishing ICE
Several recent high-profile controversies involving the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency have led to calls for abolishing it entirely, while most lawmakers argue for its importance in dealing with the nation’s immigration issues or urge moderate reforms. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of abolishing ICE.
ICE Opens New Supermax Detention Center For Most Hardened Toddlers
CORNUDAS, TX—In response to growing issues with its population of juvenile detainees, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency reportedly announced on Tuesday the opening of a new supermax detention center to house its most hardened toddlers.
New ICE Agent Establishes Dominance By Beating Up Biggest Child Prisoner On First Day
MCALLEN, TX—In an effort to teach other juvenile detainees to keep their distance, newly hired ICE agent Kevin Michelson revealed this week that he had established dominance on his first day by beating up the biggest child prisoner he could find.
MS-13 Gang Leader Getting Some Pretty Great Ideas From Watching ICE Work
SAN SALVADOR, EL SALVADOR—Praising U.S. law enforcement officials for the unfettered cruelty they have unleashed along the Mexican border, MS-13 gang leader Edwin Manica Flores admitted Tuesday that observing ICE’s work in recent weeks has provided him with quite a bit of inspiration.
Laura Bush Publishes Courageous Op-Ed Calling For Imprisonment Of Whoever Created ICE
WASHINGTON—Standing up to the government agency in a blistering essay published in the Washington Post, former First Lady Laura Bush wrote a courageous op-ed Monday calling for the imprisonment of whoever created ICE.
ICE Agent Trying To Think Of Fun Name For Jail Cell Before Locking Up Immigrant Child
BROWNSVILLE, TX—Racking his brain for something that he could say to stop the child from crying, ICE agent Don Neville was reportedly trying Monday to think of a fun name for a jail cell before locking up a 5-year-old immigrant.
ICE Agent Decides He Wants Kids After Seeing Incredible Love And Devotion Of Parents Begging Him Not To Take Their Child
PHOENIX—Remarking that he wished to one day care so much about another person, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Howe decided Thursday that he wants to have kids of his own after seeing the love and devotion of the immigrant parents begging him not to take their child.
ICE Agents Feeling A Little Hurt That Trump Doesn’t Think They’re Doing Enough To Terrorize Hispanics
FLORENCE, AZ—Saying they’d like to see the National Guard try to do a better job, thousands of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents told reporters Thursday that it kind of hurts their feelings to know President Trump doesn’t think they’re doing enough to terrorize Hispanic people.
Tough-Guy ICE Agent Struggling To Raise Adorable Kids After Deporting Their Parents
LAREDO, TX—Scrambling to cook breakfast, change a diaper, and put on his bulletproof vest at the same time, tough-as-nails ICE agent Tony Carter admitted Thursday that he was struggling to raise the remaining three members of the Guerrero family after deporting their parents to El Salvador.
Stephen Miller Rewards Self After Day Of Speechwriting With Trip To See Children In Local ICE Detention Center
WASHINGTON—Saying the outing was a well-deserved treat for laboring on President Trump’s upcoming State of the Union address, senior policy advisor Stephen Miller reportedly rewarded himself Tuesday with a trip to see all the children at a local ICE detention center.
Pros And Cons Of Shutting Down The Border
President Joe Biden urged Congress to pass a bipartisan bill that would give him executive power to shut down the border between the United States and Mexico. The Onion examines the pros and cons of closing our nation’s southern border and no longer allowing migrants to cross.
Border Patrol Agent Starting To Worry He The Rapist Stealing Taxpayer Money
EL PASO, TX—Asking if it was possible that he had it backwards the entire time, border patrol agent Ralph Forte was reportedly starting to worry Thursday that he was the rapist stealing taxpayer money.
Federal Agents Intercept 500 Kilos Of Lifesaving Medication At U.S. Border
PORT HURON, MI—Seizing the curative pharmaceuticals at a border checkpoint, federal officials confirmed Thursday that they had intercepted 500 kilograms of lifesaving medication at the U.S. border.
Migrant Imprisoned At Border Should Weep In English
SIERRA BLANCA, TX—Expressing annoyance that the detainee did not even appear to be making the effort, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Jonathan Pena confirmed Wednesday that a migrant in his custody could at least weep in English.
Entire Southern Border Somehow On Fire 10 Minutes After Kushner Begins Tackling Immigration System
WASHINGTON—As towers of black smoke billowed up across the charred strip of land, sources confirmed Monday that the entire southern border was somehow on fire just 10 minutes after Jared Kushner began tackling the U.S. immigration system.
Border Patrol Authorities, Militia In Tense Standoff Over Claim To Detain Migrant Family They Caught At Same Time
COLUMBUS, NM—Digging in their heels and refusing to stand down, U.S. Customs and Border Patrol authorities were caught in a tense standoff Monday with an independently armed militia over their mutual claim to have detained a migrant family that both groups caught at the same time.
Soldier Back Home From Serving At Mexico Border Still Having Nightmares About Being Used As Political Prop
COOKEVILLE, TN—Saying he has been unable to readjust to civilian life since returning home from his deployment to the border with Mexico, U.S. soldier Matthew Coltrane told reporters Tuesday he continues to have nightmares in which he is being used as a mere political prop.
Census Study Finds Thousands Of Undocumented Immigrants Living Inside U.S. Border Wall
WASHINGTON—According to a study released Friday by the U.S. Census Bureau, more than 12,000 undocumented immigrants currently reside within sections of the border wall that separates the United States and Mexico.
GOP Candidates Fiercely Divided Over How Much Voltage Border Wall Should Be Electrified With
WASHINGTON—With various proposals emerging as key components of each of the 2016 presidential hopefuls’ immigration policies, sources confirmed Thursday that the Republican field remains sharply divided regarding how much voltage should be used to electrify a border wall with Mexico.
The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border
Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in — The Onion
Texas Constructs U.S. Border Wall To Keep Out Unwanted Americans
WICHITA FALLS, TX—Calling it an essential step toward securing the Texas border and protecting his people’s way of life, Gov. Rick Perry announced Tuesday the completion of a 1,953-mile wall designed to keep out millions of unwanted Americans.
