While alphas are characterized as dominant, hypermasculine men who always lead the pack, the one person they will always follow is podcaster Joe Rogan. The Onion asked alphas why they love Rogan, and this is what they said.
Clark Nunez, Truck Driver
“He takes testosterone, but in the cis way.”
Erik Meadows, Entrepreneur
“He’s totally opened my mind to ideas that I was too informed to even consider.”
Hank Chatsworth, Accountant
“He doesn’t let the woke mob bully him into ridiculous stuff like critical thinking.”
Sammy Polvara, Database Administrator
“Having a fellow alpha tell me how to think and feel really makes me feel in control.”
Mahad Khan, Accountant
“Mmmmm…head shiny.”
Robert Herren, Physician
“We went to med school together.”
Walter Meyers, Chef
“He isn’t afraid to say things that I already think are true.”
Kyle Gardner, Cashier
“My interests are Comedy Store lore and eugenics.”
Dan Crandall, Welder
“Every alpha needs another, bigger alpha to tell them what to do and how to think.”
Eddie Washington, Electrician
“Who else would have the balls to start a podcast?”
Chuck Lorance, Investment Banker
[Incoherent growling noises]
Daniel Case, Personal Trainer
“Listening to Rogan is like hanging with a great buddy, which I can’t do in real life because having friends turns you trans.”
Allen Pham, Pharmacist
“Thanks to Joe, I’m no longer ashamed to be me, even if I really should be.”
Jared Clark, Dishwasher
“As a dominant male who somehow still has a terrible job and no girlfriend, it’s comforting to know that our oversensitive society is the real problem.”
Dwayne Trinidad, Crane Operator
“He’s not afraid to say what everyone in the Joe Rogan subreddit is thinking.”
Juan Piniella, Bank Teller
“I like that he has big muscles like I have big muscles.”
Sam Erickson, Plumber
“I love everyone. I have a lot of love to give.”
Keith Foley, Security Guard
“I’m not sure. He hasn’t told us yet. But when I get to that episode, I’ll definitely let you know.”
