ABC Announces Ellen Will Come Out In Every Episode

BURBANK, CA—In an effort to maintain the stunning 36.2 rating for Ellen’s recent coming-out episode, ABC announced Monday that the show’s main character will discover that she is a lesbian on every future episode of the show. “We don’t want to give too much away,” said ABC programming VP Fred Gamble, “but Ellen is going to make a shocking announcement this Wednesday. And every Wednesday after that.”