I had been eagerly anticipating my favorite holiday, Zweibelmas, which, of course, falls every Sept. 21. But my Zweibelmas spirit was dampened when I discovered that people in my own employ were ignorant of this glorious event!
Some weeks ago, I was being briefed on my September schedule by my young scribe, Braintree. Nothing too unusual was planned: my monthly turn-over on the 5th, a coma from the 7th to the 12th, and so on. But when Braintree came to the 21st, he mentioned nothing about the Zweibelmas. I asked him what kind of events were planned for it, and he stared at me blankly. My own scribe, unaware of the Zweibelmas! Interrogations of other young servants garnered the same reaction.
Swift action had to be taken. I summoned my faithful man-servant Standish and my advisor Beavers. I told them that Zweibelmas’ reputation had lapsed and needed restoration. Beavers gave me the same mystified look as Braintree, but Standish, who knows all about the Zweibelmas, was quick with a suggestion.
“Well, sir, every Christmas on the television, there are cartoons about Father Christmas and sentient snow-men and the like,” Standish said. “This helps promote the notion of Christmas for the children. Perhaps a cartoon featuring the Fairy Zweibel-Child, beloved symbol of Zweibelmas, is in order.”
Zoetrope-like trifles on the electrical motion-image box? Is that the level to which the sacred Zweibelmas had to sink to gain back its appreciation? So be it, I sighed, and I had Beavers arrange a visual interpretation of the Zweibelmas.
The finished product was appalling. It showed the Fairy Zweibel-Child befriending a lonely donkey and horrid elf who wants to be a dentist, and taking them to the enchanted Valley of Zweibel, where every-body sings unbearable songs in a high register. What does any of that have to do with Zweibelmas? Heresy!
O Fairy Zweibel-Child, forgive these vulgar blasphemers! But do come around on Zweibelmas-Eve and deliver candy and toys to my-self, as I keep Zweibelmas in my heart always!
Oh, and I been have asked to say that A Holly Jolly Zweibelmas will air on the “U.P.N. Net-work” during Zweibelmas-week, and that you should consult your local listings for the air-date and time, what-ever all that means.
T. Herman Zweibel, the great grandson of Onion founder Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel, was born in 1868, became editor of The Onion at age 20, and persisted in various editorial posts until his launching into space in 2001. Zweibel’s name became synonymous with American business success in the 20th century. Many consider him the “Father Of American Journalism,” also the title of his well-known 1943 biography, written by Norman Rombauer.
