Tim Walz Stays Up All Night Making Shoe-Box Diorama Of Washington Crossing The Delaware

NEW YORK—Sipping a fifth cup of coffee as the sun rose on the day of his big debate, Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Walz confirmed this morning he had stayed up all night making a shoe-box diorama of George Washington crossing the Delaware. “Still needs a few finishing touches on the weather effects, but I think this thing’s really coming together,” said the weary Minnesota governor, smiling with pride at his workmanship on the miniature tableau and crinkling up a length of plastic wrap to make another perilous ice chunk floating on the Delaware River’s surface. “I cut open a coffee cup and painted it brown to look like a boat. Then I threw in some cotton balls to make it look really cold and snowy. Burned my hand on the hot glue gun trying to add Washington’s tricorn hat because I was so sleepy. I still need to fix that, but it was definitely worth pulling an all-nighter. I mean, look at this thing. Let’s see J.D. Vance try to top this!” At press time, Walz reportedly broke out in a cold sweat after he saw Vance setting up an elaborate trifold poster board with facts about how the Confederacy won the Battle of Fredericksburg.