As a general rule, if your TikTok feed begins pushing you unregulated medical products, you should probably keep them as far away from your genitals as possible. The Onion asked doctors to explain why you should never use ‘vulva balms,’ and this is what they said.
Dr. Erin Santos
“All genitals are horrifying. There’s no fixing them. They will humiliate us until we are dead.”
Dr. Meredith Whitman
“I can’t recommend any product that sounds like Gwyneth Paltrow was spitballing on a deadline.”
Jebediah Willoughforth
“It is an unnatural abomination for a woman’s secret place to be touched beyond the intercourse of man and wife and the birth of his heir.”
Dr. Henry Goldfarb
“For one thing, there’s no place on your penis to put it.”
Dr. Frederick Mann
“Adding more goo to it is rarely a tenable solution.”
Dr. Kayla Harrison
“Because I don’t want to have to google that.”
Dr. Gina Torrens
“Tastes like shit.”
Dr. Asako Miyazawi
“It doesn’t accomplish anything that five straight hours of scrubbing with steel wool won’t accomplish.”
Dr. Anna Lopez
“I have yet to see the kickbacks from the companies that paid me to promote it.”
Dr. Daniel Ramirez
“Dryness is merely nature’s way of telling you it’s time to die.”
Dr. Henry Stevenson
“If Samantha A. on Quora said it’s unsafe, then it must be.”
Dr. Danielle Smith
“Anything except childbirth that involves the vulva is now a felony in this state.”
Dr. James Hugo
“I don’t know what a vulva is, but it sounds dangerous.”
Dr. Evan Watson
“They don’t have even half the moisturizing and anti-inflammatory power of my Dr. Watson’s Vulva Salve.”
Dr. Noah Hanson
“Vulva balms contribute to the societal stigma against women’s filthy, mysterious sin holes.”
Dr. Max Eberhardt
“Topical vaginal products should only be used at the discretion of a husband or father.”
Dr. Uzair Hassan
“You already spend enough money on skincare.”