Nation’s Short Guys Announce Plan To Dress Snazzy
HONOLULU—Determined to offset any bias that might cause them to be overlooked on the basis of their stature, the nation’s short guys held a press conference Friday in which they announced plans to dress real snazzy.
Republicans React To Trump’s ‘Poisoning The Blood’ Comments
Former President Trump recently said immigrants were “poisoning the blood” of America, words that closely mirror the language Adolph Hitler used during his campaign to exterminate the Jews. The Onion asked Republicans how they felt about Trump’s inflammatory comments, and this is what they said.
Glowing, Pulsating Hair Product Takes Control Of Gavin Newsom’s Thoughts
SACRAMENTO, CA—As an otherworldly glow emanated from the California governor’s meticulously sculpted coiffure, sources confirmed Friday that the pulsating hair product on Gavin Newsom’s head had taken control of his thoughts.
Woman Wears Enchanted Ring Out To Avoid Having To Tell Men That She Actually 750-Year-Old Crone
WASHINGTON—Frustrated by the lengths to which she had to go to enjoy a night out with friends, local woman Signa Ivarsen confirmed Friday she always wore an enchanted ring when she went to bars in order to avoid revealing to men she was actually a 750-year-old crone.
Pre-K Teacher Dragging Along Group Of 4-Year-Olds Like Prison Warden Leading Chain Gang Through Mojave
CHICAGO—Leading the children along their safety rope as if the slightest misstep could result in death or disaster, pre-K teacher Gretchen Silverstone reportedly dragged along a group of 4-year-olds Friday like a prison warden leading a chain gang through the Mojave Desert.
