Donald Trump recently argued that presidents should receive “total immunity” from prosecution even if they commit crimes. The Onion asked Americans to explain why presidents should have immunity, and this is what they said.
Silvia Dobbins, Surgeon
“Maybe if the position came with immunity, more people would want to be president, and we’d finally have some more viable options.”
Samuel Miller, Police Officer
“As someone who benefits from immunity from the law, I have to say it’s fantastic.”
Richard Jeffries, Financial Manager
“Because my name is in a lot of little black books that I’d hate to see go public over the course of a trial.”
Neomi Rao, D.C. Circuit Court Judge
“Makes my job a lot easier.”
Morgan Thompson, Environmental Activist
“Because the president is not just a man, but a powerful otherworldly being forged in a realm of freedom and justice to watch over us. Who are we, mere mortals, to attempt to question such a spirit’s actions?”
Patrick Grant, Undertaker
“The body is its own prison.”
Donald Trump, Former President
“Oh, I broke the law a lot—like, a lot a lot—and I would like to get away with it scot-free.”
Logan Martinez, Ethics Researcher
“I hope in my lifetime to see the first president to commit beastiality in office. And I don’t want him to go to jail.”
Riley Johnson, Digital Content Creator
“If the president can’t get away with outlandish acts of corruption and self-dealing, then what hope do the rest of us have?”
Jimmy Carter, Retired
“I’ve accomplished a lot of things in my 99 years on this planet, but I’ve never strangled a man with my bare hands.”
Mom
“Because I said so, that’s why!”
Stan Bell, Optometrist
“I think it’s cruel and unusual punishment to lock up the elderly.”
James Fischer, Computer Systems Analyst
“Trump’s people called me and offered me $600,000 if I would say I supported it in this slideshow.”
Cal Gibbert, Chef
“Our prisons are overcrowded enough as it is.”
Jordan Lee, Sustainable Fashion Designer
“As someone who hates Democrats but loves Republicans, I just can’t see any situation where giving a liberal president unlimited legal immunity could turn out badly.”
Lucía Nuñez, Kindergartner
“Because when I grow up, I’m going to be a despotic autocrat!”
Casey Brown, Media Strategist
“The laws of man have no meaning. Ethics is void. The universe is a cold and empty place, and our supposed laws are an attempt to patch over that fundamental reality. It’s come time to own up to that.”
Ben Handler, Therapist
“All the courtroom drawings might give him body dysmorphia.”
Larry Ellison, Oracle Co-Founder
“Presidents should be treated no differently than the rest of us billionaires.”
Emerlynn Stile, Student
“It would make the presidents of all the other countries super jealous.”
Jaime Barnard, Marketing Executive
“American? I’m a British bloke! But downright chuffed I passed for a Yank.”
Raghavi Shankar, Real Estate Agent
“I used to think nobody was above the law, but then my therapist taught me the danger of thinking in absolutes.”