Decisions made in Maine and Colorado to strike Donald Trump from their respective state-level ballots using the Fourteenth Amendment’s insurrection clause have raised the question: Should the former president be disqualified from running again? The Onion asked Americans what they think.
Anya Caldwell, PR Manager
“If we disqualified everyone who has amassed a large and uncontrollable following of lunatics, no one would be able to run.”
Emmitt Sanders, Photographer
“Eh, I’m confident he’ll manage to destabilize democracy whether he’s on or off the ballot.”
Carrie Gold, Dog Walker
“What is Trump guilty of besides business fraud, sharing confidential state secrets, mishandling classified materials, spreading election lies, slandering voting institutions, and attempting to incite an insurrection?”
Angela Hardy, Chemist
“No. Trump is a dictator. Dictators shouldn’t have to run.”
Casey Whitley, Teacher
“Trump lost his chance to be on the ballot when he cowardly conceded the 2020 election.”
Frank Earnst, Unemployed
“Yes, but only because I believe in a fringe conspiracy theory that Trump was actually born in Germany.”
Greg Harden, Landscape Architect
“I trust our Supreme Court to be rigged enough to make the right decision.”
Will Krissel, Graphic Designer
“Trump. Trump. Oh! You mean Kimberly Guilfoyle’s fiance’s dad?”
Janice Holt, Former White House Intern
“He’d better be on it. I’m only keeping my mouth shut in exchange for a Tahitian embassy gig he promised.”
Babs Jenkins, Reporter
“I don’t know who sent you here, but you’d better scram. I’m chasing a hot, hot scoop and trying to prove to the gents in the newsroom that a dame can do more than just sit pretty and type.”
Juan Castaneda, Insurance Broker
“This is probably as close as he’ll ever get to experiencing the consequences of his own actions, so it’d be nice to keep that going for another week or so.”
Deanne Marks, Beautician
“Hitler wasn’t on the U.S. presidential ballot, and look how successful he was!”
Jeff Zients, Biden Chief of Staff
“No. Since Trump will win either way, it’d be far less embarrassing for President Biden to lose to someone listed on the actual ballot.”
Naomi Reynolds, Preschool Teacher
“It’s not nice to not let others play.”
Gus LaFontaine, Chef
“On the ballot, off the ballot, who cares? At the end of the day, we’re all just gonna end up floatin’ in a bowl of gumbo on the Great Big Dinner Table up in the sky.”
Harper Wallace, Beautician
“I think he should be allowed to stay on the ballot if he can successfully ski a double black diamond.”
Ron DeSantis, Florida Governor
“Whatever will get people to like me. Please like me.”
Dan Rogers, Bird
“The rules of land do not apply up here. I am governed by a seagull named Ernest Boyce.”
Anne Craft, Librarian
“I’m afraid of the precedent it would set to hold a politician responsible for something he said and did before he died.”
