2023 NFL Season Preview: NFC

Dallas Cowboys, NFC East

Strength

Owner Jerry Jones is one year closer to the grave.

Weakness

Linebacker Micah Parsons rarely leaves sacks for anyone else.

Player To Watch

Cowboys star Dak Prescott’s play could be affected by the front office’s decision to send him a note saying “You have no future here,” written in blood.

Prediction

Dak Prescott throws three interceptions in week one just to piss off local Cowboys fan Bill Myers, because he hates him with a passion and is being bad on purpose to spite him, just as Bill suspects.

New York Giants, NFC East

Strength

Head coach Brian Daboll helped develop Bills superstar Josh Allen, which is a skill that could come in handy if the Giants ever acquire a quarterback with any potential.

Weakness

Although the secondary looks subpar overall, they do display excellent burst while heading back to the sideline after giving up a touchdown.

Key Stat

Running back Saquon Barkley leads all active NFL players with 5.8 injuries per carry.

Prediction

Following a 1-5 start, New York Mayor Eric Adams declares the Giants cursed and holds an exorcism at MetLife Stadium.

Philadelphia Eagles, NFC East

Strength

Fielding the deepest roster in the NFC with all-stars on both sides of the ball could be a key advantage against other football teams.

Weakness

Sometimes the defensive linemen get kind of bored during sacks.

Player To Watch

The gigantic one about to crush the quarterback.

Prediction

Another Super Bowl–contending season for the Eagles should end any debate over whether God, karma, or any kind of balancing spiritual force exists in the world.

Washington Commanders, NFC East

Strength

Not having to see Dan Snyder’s fucking face every day.

Weakness

Owner Dan Snyder selling the team robbed them of their toxic, scandal-ridden identity.

Wild Card

The Commanders’ plans for playoff success could run into trouble when they have to play actual football games against other teams.

Prediction

Dan Snyder continues making so much more fucking money than any of us ever will.

Arizona Cardinals, NFC West

Strength

The team has done an excellent job of trading away expensive veteran contracts that could potentially cost the Cardinals valuable losses.

Weakness

Tiny fun quarterback broke.

Player To Watch

Caleb Williams, the USC quarterback, is must-see for Cardinals fans hoping to understand why Arizona is trying so hard to lose.

Prediction

A 2-15 season leaves the Cardinals with the top pick in the 2024 draft, and they fuck that up too.

Los Angeles Rams, NFC West

Strength

The Rams apparently believe in themselves enough not to do anything in the offseason to address the holes in their roster.

Weakness

Many on the Rams rapidly aging roster could be tempted to retire by the allure of upcoming Social Security payouts.

Key Stat

Quarterback Matthew Stafford’s brain has 3.8 games left until CTE fully kicks in.

Prediction

The Rams repeat as 5-12 champs.

San Francisco 49ers, NFC West

Strength

Job security for management.

Weakness

Job security for quarterbacks.

Off-Field Issues

A number of San Francisco residents have complained that the presence of 49ers players making less than $5 million is hurting local property values.

Prediction

Trey Lance and Jimmy Garoppolo have career years.

Seattle Seahawks, NFC West

Strength

Geno Smith is out to prove that the entirety of his career up until last season was no fluke.

Weakness

The Seahawks were one of the worst teams in the league in jogging back to the locker room at halftime.

Wide Receivers

They have too many wide receivers.

Prediction

The Seahawks get distracted after seeing Mount Rainier looking majestic during a game.

Chicago Bears, NFC North

Strength

The Bears have provided Justin Fields with enough weapons that he should be able to lead the team to a couple more victories and prevent the franchise from drafting an elite quarterback.

Weakness

The defense could struggle to top how abysmal they were last year.

Player To Watch

Quarterback Justin Fields will lead the league in yards carted.

Prediction

You know, Chicago has a lot to be proud of as a city—tons of great food, amazing architecture, nice museums and parks—so you don’t really need to dwell on this too much.

Detroit Lions, NFC North

Strength

They have 53 players and an entire coaching staff who understand the rules and basic strategies of football.

Weakness

Unfortunately for the Lions, scoring tons of points still results in losses if you let the opposing team score even more.

Player To Watch

You know this isn’t the real Jared Goff, guys. Deep down you know it.

Prediction

A triumphant return to the playoffs will launch the franchise into their classic year or two of hope before becoming the Lions again.

Green Bay Packers, NFC North

Strength

The roster is filled with fast, athletic players who are too young to fully comprehend the concept of winning and losing.

Weakness

It may take time for new starting quarterback Jordan Love to fully develop the batshit ideas and combative demeanor of Aaron Rodgers.

Fun Fact

The Packers are the only NFL franchise owned by The Onion.

Prediction

Years of aimless strategy and bickering still won’t be enough to take down this team while it shares a division with the Bears and Lions.

Minnesota Vikings, NFC North

Strength

The Vikings have a roster and coaching staff that could really go deep into the playoffs if the NFL suddenly banned good teams.

Weakness

The Vikings’ winning strategy of being a mostly bad team that relies on the hand of fate for random victories may not be a formula for long-term success.

Biggest Threat

The war in Ukraine has shut down profitable amber trade routes along the Dnieper River.

Prediction

Justin Jefferson and Kirk Cousins combine to rack up the most meaningless yards and touchdowns in NFL history.

Atlanta Falcons, NFC South

Strength

Punter Bradley Pinion leads the Falcons’ strong punt-first approach.

Weakness

As a run-oriented team attempting to build a strong defense, the Falcons are vulnerable to teams playing after the year 2004.

Stadium

Atlanta will play all its home games at Georgia Tech until their stadium in Cop City is finished.

Prediction

The Falcons have the feel of a team that by the end of 2023-2024 season will be out of the NFL, living on a houseboat, and doing odd jobs for cash.

Carolina Panthers, NFC South

Strength

The Panthers have displayed a great amount of creativity while listing Bryce Young at 5’10″.

Weakness

Not a single resident of Carolina has been able to figure out where this team actually plays.

Player To Watch

Rookie QB Bryce Young will be expected to manage a complex offense right out of college despite receiving an Alabama education.

Prediction

The Panthers could surprise the league with a playoff run, or not, that’s just how this stuff goes.

New Orleans Saints, NFC South

Strength

Quarterback Derek Carr possesses the arm strength and throwing mechanics to put the ball 5 to 10 feet in front of the receiver on any part of the field.