A leaked memo from the Never Back Down super PAC provided a helpful plan of action for Gov. Ron DeSantis to follow during Wednesday night’s debate. The Onion examines the best strategies from the document.
Make Your Mouth As Wet As Possible
Voters love a well-lubricated mouth!
Run
If you start to get nervous, just run. Any direction, as fast as you can. It’s much better than having to stomach you trying to say something.
Stab U.S. Flag Lapel Pin Into Eyes
If you aren’t willing to suffer, then do you even love the United States?
If Relevant, Refer To Them As ‘Blacks’
Word choice is very important when referring to minority communities, and the term “Black” ensures everyone knows what you mean.
Just Act Natural, Okay? Can’t You Just Be Normal For ONCE, You Goddamn Freak?!
(They kind of lost their temper here.)
Perform Schubert’s ‘Ave Maria’ Right Up Top
If you can hit all the high notes in this classic of the mezzo-soprano repertoire, then no one—absolutely no one—is going to question your right to be on that stage.
Take A Sledgehammer To A Watermelon
A bona fide crowd-pleaser.
Just Be Smooth, Baby
Keep it chill, like you’re cruisin’ on the strip with your top down, shades on at night, the flashing city lights dancing to the infectious rhythms of the funky beat. You’re outta sight, jack, you’re outta sight.
Never Let Them See You Cry
Better to let it all out in the bathroom afterwards than to give Vivek Ramaswamy the satisfaction of seeing how badly his words hurt you.
Use Words
A list of possible words DeSantis could use includes “when,” “made,” “but,” and “buckle.”
Attack Skydance Media
The memo recommends the 2024 candidate attack the production company behind such films as Geostorm and Transformers: Rise Of The Beasts at least three to five times throughout the evening.
Do Not Laugh For Any Reason
Everyone hates it when you laugh.
Maintain Erection Throughout Entire Debate And Tell Audience That Fact
Reminding the audience that he is still turgid every 15 to 30 seconds with a well-placed “I’m hard, by the way” or “Yup, still hard” will help the governor combat perceptions that he is weak.
Milk Yourself Dry Beforehand So Milk Doesn’t Come Out On Stage
You don’t want to be labeled “Milky DeSantis” by rivals.
If All Else Fails, Start Scatting
Should you ever get overwhelmed by opponents bringing up your flagging poll numbers, simply start snapping and vocalizing nonsense syllables in time, getting louder and louder until everyone else goes quiet. Then you can take center stage and begin dancing around wildly!
Listen To Your Heart, And Always Share Your Truth
Remember that saying what is honest from deep down is always the right move. Just be your authentic self, and the right people will resonate with your message!
Keep Hands At 10 And 2 On The Podium
Safety first!
Only Piss Your Pants A Little Bit
If you get nervous, you can piss your pants, but only make a little dot. Don’t let it be so much that it goes down your leg, allowing the other candidates to see or smell it.
List All The State Capitals
You did such a good job memorizing them, so if you get cornered, you can begin listing every U.S. state capital to show you’re more intelligent than your opponents.
Charm Voters With Posh British Accent
The PAC was hopeful that putting on a sexy British accent would make DeSantis sound smarter as well as distract from his overall appearance.
Do Not Look The Silent, Heaving Mickey Mouse In The Audience In The Eye
Although a large, man-sized Mickey Mouse will be sitting in the debate audience staring directly at DeSantis and breathing heavily, the governor is not to make eye contact.
Use 3 To 5 Dog Whistles Per Ethnic Group
Ultimately, the easiest way to connect with GOP voters.
Swallow Vivek Ramaswamy Whole
DeSantis was instructed to show dominance by walking up to his opponent, inhaling, and swallowing Ramaswamy in one fell swoop.
Give Yourself A Black Eye And Say A Migrant Did It
According to the memo, DeSantis should make a fist, repeatedly punch himself in the face, and then scream, “An undocumented did this! An undocumented did this!”
Only Refer To Trump As ‘O Holy One, O God In Heaven’
Even though he’s an opponent, DeSantis is only to refer to Trump as “our Heavenly Father” or “the one true God.”
