Wildfires have been raging since last week in Maui, HI, causing the deadliest wildfire outbreak in America in over a century. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Maui wildfires.
Q: Is it true that nonnative grass planted to exploit the land played a part in the fire spreading? A: The metaphor is almost painful at this point.
Q: Why have the fires been so destructive? A: Strong winds spread the fire quickly, fire hydrants ran dry, and outdoor warning sirens didn’t go off, but otherwise the disaster response went perfectly according to plan.
Q: How has the region been affected? A: The blaze cleared over 2,000 structures in Lāhainā alone for more lucrative development.
Q: Are all the fires out now? A: Most are, although some moderate politicians have demanded the fires be kept going in fairness to those already affected.
Q: Why would God do this to Maui?A: God hasn’t been responsible for a fire since the Great Fire of London in 1666.
Q: What are government officials doing? A: They’ve filed charges against the fire for trespassing on private beaches.
Q: How does climate change exacerbate these events? A: As storms grow harsher, political greed and incompetence become increasingly severe.
Q: Is there anywhere I can vacation responsibly under climate change? A: The Indiana Dunes and some parts of Ohio.
Q: Why has President Biden been slow to respond? A: Everything he does is slow.
Q: Is there anything I can do to help? A: No, don’t get up, you’re busy scrolling the internet.
